The Functional Alcoholic

Recently at the gym I was thinking about the term “functional alcoholic”. I here this term used a lot in AA.  I also used to refer to myself as a functional alcoholic.  For the most part, I carried on a normal life.  I have always held down a good job, I am a good parent, I exercise regularly, I do chores around the house, etc.  When some people think of alcoholics, they think of someone lazily sitting around watching TV all day and getting bombed. While I am sure there are people like this out there, I don’t know any of them.  I know a lot of alcoholics through AA and most are highly functional, very energetic people, thus the term “functional alcoholic.

I think most alcoholics are energetic by nature.  I am also a little high strung, meaning I have a hard time relaxing. I get up every day between 5 and 5:30am and I am working or moving almost all day, even when I am drinking.  This might be part of my problem.  AA tells me that my drinking is a symptom of other problems.  Why do I have a hard time relaxing? Is it because of my drinking or because of another problem and I drink to calm down.

Now that I have established that most alcoholics are energetic, I am also starting to think that part of it might be an excuse.  By getting up early and going to the gym and being productive for most of the day, I can more easily justify my drinking.  If I am functional, then I must be OK.  If I sat around drinking and doing nothing all day long, I would have to take a hard look at myself and possibly come to the conclusion that drinking is my problem.  OK, enough of my rambling, I need to get back to being functional which for today is work. Happy Thanksgiving !!!!

Picked up the 1.75 liter of vodka on Friday

I gave in to Thanksgiving week without a fight and picked up a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka instead of the usual liter last Friday.  I ended up drinking about 30 oz for the weekend, which is consistent with what I have been drinking. I am still disappointed however. With Thanksgiving coming up, I had hoped to drink a lot less during this past weekend and I almost did. Going into Sunday evening, I had only drank about 20 oz (6 on Friday and 14 on Saturday) which was pretty good.  However, after getting home from a family day out and about on Sunday, I was ready for a drink and went for it.  I ended up drinking about 10 oz Sunday night between about 5 and 9pm.  Oh well.

Now I have to be careful over the next few days. The one difference between this past weekend and others is that because I went for the 1.75 liter bottle, I now have 30oz left. I won’t go overboard tonight as I have a business meeting in the morning. Then, tomorrow night I have a meeting at my church at 7:30pm.  That doesn’t leave much time to drink after and I won’t drink before.

What I noticed again about this past weekend, is that I feel like I am drinking for no reason when I spread out my drinking.   I started drinking early on Saturday, around 2pm and drank 14 oz over the next 7 hours.  2 oz of booze per hour doesn’t do much, at least not for me.  Lately, the time I enjoy drinking the most is that one big shot about an hour before going to bed.  And, the effect is much better when it is my first drink of the day. So, why do I drink during the day?  I am not sure; I guess the alcohol is just stronger than I am.

4 days sober, again ….

Saying I am about 4 days sober sounds like a broken record (at least to me), but I am content with my drinking schedule.  The week has gone as planned so far. I had my last drink around 8pm Sunday. So, I will have been dry 4 days in a few hours. I am confident I will make it through tonight as well and plan to have my first drink of the weekend around 6:00pm tomorrow (Friday).  Monday and Tuesday were pretty easy. Last night was tough. My wife decided she was going to go out with the girls for a few hours.  She told me this around 5:00pm and my thoughts went immediately to “how can I get to a liquor store?”  I did not have the desire to go crazy; however a couple of drinks would have been nice.   For those that read a post of mine from a couple of weeks ago, last night was very similar.  I went out to walk my dog around 7pm. There is a liquor store in the area that I hovered around, money in my pocket. However, just like last time, there were too many people I knew in the area and I walked away empty handed.   As soon as I made the final decision not to pick up, the cravings subsided. Funny how that works. 

When I woke up this morning, I was glad I had made it another day. While I was confident I would not have gone overboard, it was still the right decision.  I had only a mild temptation to pick up some vodka so that I could have a shot tonight. What made it easier is that I have a very important business meeting tomorrow and I need to make sure I am at my best.

Now, I am already thinking about Thanksgiving and how that will affect my 1 liter of vodka a week rule.  Honestly, in my mind I have kind of given up already.  I will probably work a half day on Wednesday and a half day at most on Friday.  That allows for more drinking time.  Anyway, I don’t want to plan that far ahead.  Let me get through another day sober sand see what Friday brings.

Made it on 1 liter of vodka, barely.

It was not easy, but I made it through with the one liter of vodka.  I was a little surprised at myself that I picked up the liter about noon on Thursday while I was out on an appointment, but did not have shot until about 9:00pm and I only had one.  I had about 6 oz on Friday night but went a little over planned on Saturday.  Considering I only had about 5 oz left on Sunday, that means I drank about 20 oz on Saturday. The problem as always when I go over is that I started too early on Saturday having my first shot around 1pm.  Since I spread it out over 8 hours, I never got too buzzed, but I was a little disappointed in myself for drinking that much in one day.

Plus, the left me with not as much as I would have liked for Sunday.  My wife and I went with our daughter to a Christmas show at 10am Sunday. While too early for most to drink, I took one good 2 ½ oz shot before going in and I did enjoy it. It helped me to relax a little. That left me with only 2 ½ oz more for the rest of the day and that was tough. I was tempted many times to pick up more and was actually trying to figure out a plan to slip away to pick up more. But, in the end I held off.  I waited until about 8pm to take the final shot in one gulp to relax before going to bed and it felt good.

I have been talking about the pros and cons of spreading the liter out vs. drinking it over a 3 day period. Another reason to consolidate it is that I feel better today because I drank the bulk of the vodka early in the week.  Another feeling common as of late is that I was feeling deprived again yesterday.  We went to lunch at a nice restaurant after the show and others were drinking wine, bloody mary’s, cold beer etc, and I really wanted one.   On Friday, on the way home from a business appt, I passed a local restaurant/bar and actually stopped to gaze in the window at the people in the bar and thought to myself how nice it would be to simply walk in, sit at the bar and have a nice cold beer.  Oh well, maybe someday, or not.

Being a daily drinker is scary

I was thinking about in what I said in a recent post about wondering whether it is healthier to drink a liter of vodka in 3 days and go 4 days sober or to spread it out over 7 days.  Everyone is different, so I can only speak for myself, but I am starting to think that drinking it in 3 days is the better way to go.   I am a little concerned that my midweek cravings are stronger than usual.  Until recently, I could finish the liter between Friday and Sunday and not have much trouble going 4 days sober. That is tougher today.  And, I don’t have much confidence in myself to significantly decrease my drinking on the weekends to allow for drinking during the week.

My biggest concern, however, is that I remember how I was before I went into AA the last time and stayed sober for 7 ½ months.  I was drinking a lot, but then I went back to the meetings. For 30 days, I went to meetings and still drank every day, but only one or 2 drinks. I would say that I averaged about 3 oz of vodka per day.  The biggest part of my problem was that I could not go a day without drinking, and that was scary.  I feel myself drifting back to that place again.

Because I had some left over after last weekend, I had a 2.5 oz shot on both Mon and Tues. I must admit, it wasn’t a lot but it felt real good.  I took the drink both nights after putting my daughter to bed.  I had the shot, then hopped in bed myself to wind down the day and watch a little TV.   But now here it is Wed and I want that shot again. I don’t have any and don’t want to pick up any more, but the cravings are very strong.  I am going to have to watch this closely.

back to one liter of vodka a week

Although I took a risk by picking up my weekly liter of vodka on Thursday as opposed to Friday, the weekend went pretty well.  I only had one shot on Thursday, about 8 oz on Friday, 14 on Saturday and 5 oz on Sunday, leaving me with 5 oz left after the weekend.  Even on Saturday, I never got more than a little buzz. I tried to delay the first shot until later in the day, but gave in to temptation and cravings and had my first shot at 1:00pm.  I had my last shot at 9pm which means I had less than 2 oz per hour. 

By spacing out my drinking like that, I sometimes wonder whether it is just a waste as it is the buzz that I crave and like and having 2 oz an hour is not much more than a tease. I also often wonder from a medical standpoint which would be better: to spread the whole liter over 7 days consuming 4.8 oz every day; or, to do like I usually do and consume the whole liter over 3 days and go sober for the other 4.

As I mentioned before, my cravings on the weekdays have been stronger. So, I am happy that I can have one good shot tonight and another tomorrow, then go sober for a day or 2 and still keep under my liter a week rule.

I have been craving a good drunk lately also.  That is something I am going to monitor very closely. It has been only a month since I had one, not that long.  All in all, I honestly believe that drinking a liter a week is not all that much. The problem is that I have to put a lot of effort into keeping it under one liter. And, with that goes a lot of wasted time thinking about it.

I actually still have to go the rest of the week without picking up more to stay under the liter a week rule, but I feel pretty good about it, even if I pick up the liter on Thursday again

Ver strong cravings this week

The cravings this week have been very strong.  I had one small shot left over from the weekend that I drank Monday and have been dry Tues, Wed, Thur.  I came c lose to picking up on Wednesday night.  I was going with the rationale that since I already blew my liter a week rule (my drinking week starts on Friday), why not just keep going.  I figured I would pick up a pint and split it between Wed and Thur nights.  I couldn’t come up with an excuse to take the car out, so I my only chance was while I was out walking the dog at 7:30pm.  There is a liquor store less than a half mile from my house that I never go to for fear someone I know will see me and it will get back to my wife.  Yet, Wed night I was hovering around scouting out the situation. I almost went in a couple of times, but ultimately chickened out as I kept seeing people I knew go in and out of the deli next store.  I went home.

Last night (Thur) I did pick up. I thought about only picking up a small half pint and then picking up another liter today.  But, once inside, I just went and picked up the liter.  This strategy was risky. If I can make it through to next Friday without picking up more, that is a good thing. If I drank too much last night and ended up picking up more at the end of the weekend, that would be a huge screw up. 

Well, so far so good. After all the strong cravings during the week (maybe World Series related), I did not have the strong urge to drink last night. I picked up the liter around 4pm.  I did not have a shot until almost 9pm. I took one good shot of about 2 oz, then relaxed to watch some TV and was asleep by 10pm Just what I needed to wind down the day.

Now I have to be careful about tonight. If I start too early, I could be in trouble.  My plan is to hold off until at least 6 maybe 6:30, then drink 8 oz between then and 9pm which would be a decent night.

went over the liter of vodka rule,not a good week last week

OK, it has been a week since I have posted and I will try to be sum up the week briefly.  It did not start out well.  I picked up a liter before going to the World Series game last Wednesday.  I drank about 12 oz that night.  However, that doesn’t include the 2 bottles of wine split between 4 of us over dinner and the four 16 oz beers during the game.  I clearly overdid it and think I would have enjoyed the game more if I consumed less.   The lesson for the evening: I did not need the vodka. I am trying so hard to drink like a normal person and I am having a tough time doing it.  I went to the game with a few high school buddies who I did not think would drink that much. I was wrong.  They drank more than I thought, but still not abnormally for a group of guys at a baseball game. Had I drank what they drank and nothing more, it would have been perfect.  A half bottle of wine and four 16 oz beers over a 6 hour period should have been enough.

The next night I went to the Rock &  Roll Hall of Fame concert.  If you did not hear of it, and you like rock, google it. It was an amazing show.  Anyway, I drank a couple of shots before going and brought a 2 oz bottle with me.  I was worried about not enjoying the concert without a buzz and truth is, it was tough.  Lucky for me I had a good excuse to sneak to the concession area often, the world series was on TV at all stands. So, I drank three 22 oz beers while my wife and others were at their seats.   They didn’t have a clue. This was the perfect buzz to enjoy the concert.

Come Friday I had about 14 oz of vodka left.  I drank half on Friday and half on Saturday.   I really wanted to keep it at that, but broke down and picked up a 375 ml bottle on Sunday. I drank most of it while watching the world series and my wife was sleeping.  I saved one small shot to drink last night which I did during the game again.

After a few weeks in a row of keeping it to under a liter a week, I failed.  If I had to do it all over again, I would have never picked up the Vodka midweek.  Even though what I drank at the World Series and the concert would have put me over the liter of vodka for the week, I would have been ok with it since they were special events and I don’t have many of those in my life today.  So, today I am back on track, sober from today (tues) until Friday, then pick up my liter.

 

 

1 liter of vodka, with 5 oz to spare, not a bad weekend

Overall, not a bad weekend.  I picked up a liter on Friday and had my first drink around 6pm. I drank a little less than my allotted 8 oz Friday night, and drank only about 10 oz on Saturday.  On Sunday I was left with 16 oz, pretty good I thought. I had hoped to get through Sunday with another 8 oz, but the darn Yankee game did me in. I drank about 6 oz by my normal Sunday bed time of around 9:30pm, but the Yankee game did not end to around midnight.  When I woke up this morning, I had about 5 oz left from my original liter for the weekend.  Normally, that is a pretty good weekend. The booze was spread out over long periods of time, I and never had more than a little buzz.

The problem is that I had hoped to save a little more to spread between the World Series game Wednesday night  which I am going to at Yankee Stadium and the rock-n-roll hall of fame concert on Thursday. Can I make my 5 oz last until Friday? I doubt it.

The interesting thing about this weekend is that except for the first drink on Friday, my cravings for alcohol were not that strong. Why did I consume about 28 oz of vodka over the 3 day period when my cravings were not that strong?  Because it was there.  If it is in the house, I will drink it whether I need it/want it or not.  Hence, step # 1, I am powerless over alcohol.

I am excited for the Yankee game on Wednesday and I am fairly confident I will not drink that much.  My high school buddies I am going with are really not big drinkers.  So, it SHOULD be easy to get through the night with a few drinks spread out over 4 hours.   I am less excited about the concert on Thursday.  I should be. It features some bands I really like: Crosby Stills and Nash, Jackson Browne, James Taylor, Simon & Garfunkel, Stevie Wonder, Sting, Jeff Beck, Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band and more. The problem is that I have never been to a concert completely sober and honestly fear that I will not be able to enjoy it. I am going with family, so my drinking will have to be minimal, maybe only one or two shots of vodka, if that.  I would even consider backing out, but my sister bought the ticket for my birthday.

Now, comes the really challenging part. I am considering picking up a liter on Wednesday and seeing how the 2 days go.  Although, I don’t think I will drink a lot, I would like to have it.  Regardless of what happens, the liter will then need to last me until the following Friday to keep under my liter a week limit.  In theory it shouldn’t be a problem. 2 out of the last 3 weeks, I went through the weekend with less than the liter I used to drink over the 3 days. I am comfortable with my recent alcohol consumption. But, these special events keep challenging me. I don’t even want to think about the upcoming four day Thanksgiving Day weekend.

4 days sober, but I am ready for a drink

So, I got through another week within my limit of one liter of vodka a week. I am again just finishing up 4 days of sobriety.  There were a lot of temptations/cravings this week and I thought a few times about picking up, but didn’t. 

Now it is Friday, for me the beginning of my drinking week. I plan to pick up a liter in about an hour.  This week will be a little trickier.  I know I can make it through the weekend with the liter, or at least I think I can. I should probably never use absolutes when it comes to booze.  The dilemma for this week is that I am going out twice next week. First, on Wednesday night I am going to the first game of the World Series (assuming the Yankees don’t choke). I am going with 3 of my high school buddies.   Fortunately, none of them are big drinkers. However, I know I am going to want to have a beer or 2 and a shot of vodka or 2.

Then, on Thursday night I am going to the rock-n roll Hall of Fame concert featuring some very big names.  That night I will be with my sister, brother and their spouses.  My wife might also go. So, I will not be able to drink much if any but I will do my best to sneak a shot or two in.

My dilemma is that in order to keep under my liter a week limit, I would have to get through the weekend with plenty to spare which means saving it.  I could buy less tonight, stop when done and buy m ore mid week before the baseball game, but I don’t like that idea.

I should have a plan. I don’t.  The way my liter a week rule works is that if I drink less than a liter, I do not get to add it into the next week. I did go 8 oz shy of a liter 2 weeks ago. However, if I screw up and go over, I have to take it off of the next weeks liter.  While the rule seems to make sense, the flaw is that I have opened up the door to drink more than a liter in a week with the consequences being that I have to drink less the following week. I have only been under a liter a week once in recent history.

This is a lot of work.  I am going to the liquor store.