Might have to go back to the old drinking plan

I’m so far behind in my posts, I am not even sure what to report or where to start.  Most importantly, my new game of allowing myself as much beer and wine as I want, might have to go bye bye.  My plan was to limit myself to one 1.75 liter bottle of vodka each month but as much beer and wine as I want.  The thinking was that I just don’t drink that much beer and wine and since it is not something I do in hiding, I would hopefully be OK.

Well, I can honestly admit that my wine consumption has gone up considerably since I started this plan.  I have even gone to the basement at times to swig from a double bottle of wine.  On the other hand, I can also honestly state that I have had no bouts of drunkenness and have never gone too far over any reasonable limit.  On the other hand, while I know longer know how much I am drinking weekly, I do know that it is too much.

I did go out and by another 1.75 liter of vodka last weekend, the last of April, rather than waiting until May for my next bottle.  However, as bad as that may seem, I am not worried about it as I am confident that bottle will take me through May.  The good news is that I bought it on Friday 4/26 and have only drunk about 4 oz of it so far.

I am going to wait until after this weekend before reworking my drinking plan.  I have a 50^th bday party to attend this Friday and I can walk home from the bar.  And, on Saturday is my daughter’s first communion and we are having a big party for that.  On that day, I will have to drive home, so my drinking will be limited anyway.

So, next week I will come up with a new plan.  I suspect it will be back to the 15 drinks a week.  That worked pretty well for the most part.

Obsessing about alcohol

I did not post after last weekend as I did not have much to say.  I can say the same about last weekend.

And, that is a good thing.  Someone posted a comment about obsessing about alcohol and it really brought me back to my dark days.  It seemed like thoughts around alcohol consumed most of my day.  Start the morning with a hangover, stress over whether I can get through a day without drinking for a change, oh shit, that won’t work, can I go without vodka and stick to wine and/or beer, maybe just a ½ pint or pint of vodka, will my wife know I am drinking, where can I hide it, what is going on tomorrow that a hangover can screw up, what are others drinking, who is watching me, should I get help ….. Shit, it never stopped.

I can say today, that while I still think about alcohol often, it is much less than those dark days.  For instance, since I rarely drink Mon-Thurs, I rarely think about alcohol on those days.  On the weekends I do, but since my drinking is much more in control than it used to be, it is much better.

Since March was a 5 weekend month, I knew it would be a little tough to get by on a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka. And, I did run out with a weekend to go.  I had a little left over after last weekend; however, I had a tooth pulled Monday morning and finished it Monday night to ease the pain a bit.

My plan is to go the weekend without vodka.  However, I have not completely ruled out the idea of buying April’s bottle a little early.  My rationale is that this bottle would still have to last until May 1.  So, it is not like I am buying and drinking more, it is the same.  Instead of making one bottle last for 5 weekends and another for 4, I am just averaging it out.  There I go thinking about alcohol again ….

Alcohol plays a part in many of life’s decisions, for me anyway

OK, so last week’s drinking was uneventful.  I may have gone over my allotted vodka limit by a tiny amount.  This is because I was drinking out of 2 different bottles.  However, I don’t really care. Even if I run out after 4 weekends and have none left for the 5^th, I can still have a few glasses of wine and a couple of beers.  If I can go 4 weeks with no booze as I do every January, I am not worried about a weekend without vodka.

What was interesting, however, was that I volunteered to sub as a religion teacher for this Sunday.  The interesting thing is how alcohol played into my thought process.  When the e-mail came out that a sub was needed, I immediately thought I should do it, but then I hesitated as it would hinder my Saturday drinking.  Only someone with a drinking problem thinks this way. 

If I am going to teach a religion class to a bunch of 7 and 8 year olds including my daughter, I am not going to go in with a hangover.  So, I actually hesitated for a bit to think whether it was worth cutting back on my drinking for a Saturday night to teach.  Of course it is, and I am doing it.  I wish alcohol never factored into the decision, but it did and I just have to deal with it.

Then, I was scheduled by someone else for a meeting on Monday morning.  Well, I guarantee you I would never have scheduled a meeting the day after St. Patrick’s Day which is Sunday.  But, someone else, clearly not concerned with my drinking, did.  It is an important meeting and I have to go which means I have to curtail my drinking on Sunday as well.

I have mentioned in my blog before that keeping busy keeps the drinking down.  This weekend should be another example of that.  At least I get to have a few tonight and enjoy it.  It has been a long week and I am ready.

Successful vacation, by my standards anyway …

OK, I am behind on my posts  again.  There was a time when that meant I was avoiding the blog because I had not been good.  Not the case here.  Just very busy at work.

Well, the ski vacation went well I would say.  First, I only had one beer while skiing over 3 days. As I mentioned during my last blog, that was actually very easy.   Skiing with my daughter and some of her same age friends was not conducive to being buzzed.  Actually, at this stage in my life, skiing period is does not mix with booze.  I enjoyed it much better without it.  It was only on the last day, after several hours of skiing that I stopped and had one beer around 12noon while my daughter was in a ski lesson.

That being said, what made this vacation better, from a drinking perspective, was that I did not have my first drink (except that one Saturday) until after 5pm.  This is in contrast to vacations where I am on a beach and find it very difficult not to have that first drink immediately after my morning workout, usually around 10am when I first hit the beach.  You can figure out where my day used to go from there.

I allotted one liter of vodka for the 4 day trip.  Roughly 8 oz a day or 5 drinks a day.  Might seem like a lot to some, but not to me on vacation.  I would add usually a combo of 3 beer/wine to that for 8 a day.  Of course, my wife saw me drink 3 drinks a day.

I fully recognize that 8 drinks a day, 4 days in a row is more than normal and not healthy.  However, if you have followed my blog for any length of time, I think you would agree that is an improvement.  I was happy with it anyway.

Since coming back from vacation, I have been back in my normal routine.  No drinking Mon-Thurs, I  bought a 1.75 liter of vodka on 3/1 that I plan to have last the month.  This will not be easy as it is a 5 weekend month.  I got past the first weekend with what I think was a reasonable amount.   The plan is that if I run out, I go without until the beginning of the next month.  Of course the risky part of my plan is that I can have as much beer and wine as I want.  Although, this plan has not been tested thoroughly yet, I still think it will work as I just don’t drink that much beer or wine.  It goes down to slow.

New Plan Doomed Already

No, I have not gone off the deep end.  And my drinking in February has been normal, well as normal as it can be for a problem drinker.  The problem is that when I laid out my new plan of sticking to one 1.75 liter of vodka a month, I forgot I was going on vacation next week.

I guess had I factored this in at the beginning fo the month, I COULD have stretched the 1.75 out to still make my plan work, but I honestly forgot. And, also honestly, I doubt very much I would have done it anyway.  I don’t vacation often and like to drink a little extra when I do. 

I have no plans of going on a drinking binge as I will be with my wife, daughter, and another couple and their 2 kids in a small house.  And, we are going skiing which means I will easily be able to delay my drinking until later in the day, something I find very difficult to do when vacationing on a beach.

When I was younger and single, skiing would mean a beer or 2 and or one or 2 shots of 100 proof schnapps before ever taking my first ski run, and then drinking from the boda bag throughout the day. Those days are over.   This time it will be about fresh air, exercise and teaching my 8 year old daughter how to ski for the first time.

So, I will restart my 1.75 liter plan in March which will be a challenge in itself as it is a 5 weekend month.

Buzzed on 2 glasses of wine? Was I ill?

Well, last Thursday was my first night back drinking.  And, an interesting evening it was.  I was at a business cocktail party with an open bar where I could have had anything I wanted.  In many circumstances that could spell danger; however, this was business so it was easy to refrain.  I was at the event for 2 hours 45 minutes and had 2 glasses of wine.  

The interesting thing was how buzzed I got on those 2 glasses.  I had a wine, a glass of water, another wine and then another glass of water and that was it for the night.  And, I did eat food before and during the event.  So, why did I get buzzed?  I am guessing that part of it was that my tolerance was down after not drinking for most of January.  However, that seems odd, could my tolerance really change in such a short time?

Another theory is that because I was technically working, I was more in tune with how I felt.  There was a potential client there who I had recently sent a proposal to and he told me he wanted to discuss it.  We didn’t get to that discussion until towards the end.  In the meantime, I was very aware of how alert I was and I definitely did not feel  I was at my sharpest.

In any event, the evening was a success.

The rest of the weekend also went well, for the most part.  On the next day Friday, I delayed my first drink until almost 6:00pm after picking up my daughter from ballet.  And, I only had one shot of vodka.  After thinking about the buzz I got the prior night on 2 glasses of wine, I started to think “do I even need the vodka?”.  But, I took a shot anyway.

Saturday was another easy day as it was my daughter’s 8^th birthday. And, after her kids party, I was taking my daughter, one of her friends and my wife out to dinner.  Well, I wasn’t going to get a DUI with 2 kids in the car. So, again, I only had 2 small glasses of wine with dinner.

Sunday for the super bowl I did drink more vodka than I had planned.  I think that was only because with all the food I ate, I had no room for beer.

Anyway, my plan remains. I bought a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka on 2/1. I will not buy another until 3/1.

Sundays are dangerous

I bet some are thinking from the title of this post that I had another slip.  Nope, not even close.  However, I did get a reminder that Sundays have long been a problem for me.  I went through my 4^th weekend with no temptations or cravings to drink at all, until Sunday. 

Anyone who has read my blog for a while will know that I often struggle on Sundays and because of that go over my 15 drink a week limit.   Why, I am not really sure, but I think might be because the drinking I do on Fri and Sat progresses.   In other words, if I chose to drink on Tues and Wed, Thurs might be a problem.  Not sure about that, but it is the only theory I have for now.

Anyway, Fri and Sat came and went with no desire to drink. But, on Sunday, I had some fairly strong cravings.   I was not tempted.   To have been temped would have meant that I thought about having a drink. I never came close.  There was no way I was going to give in with only a few days to go.

The lesson going forward for me is to just be wary of Sundays and pay close attention to not going over my limits.  I can also admit that I am far more alert on Mondays and thus more productive at work since I have gone dry 4 weekends this month.

I’m back …………….

I’m back.  Sorry for disappearing without explanation.  Honestly, I think I just got tired of the counting drinks.  Funny, many people have questioned why I go to all the work.  Most or all of these people think that it is just easier to quit and that is what I should do.  But, I don’t want to.  I do admit, however, that the counting and all the stress of monitoring my drinking did get to me.   Thus, I took a break from posting.  I never intended for it to last 5 months, but it did.

 What many of you want to know is “how was my drinking during that time?”.  I can honestly say that I am sure that I went over my 15 drinks a week a number of weeks, but far from all.  The worst drinking was over a 2 week stretch of the Christmas holiday.  BMy drinking never came close to the point it was during my big drinking days, not even over the Christmas holiday.  I wish I could say that those days are over and I had no desire to drink more than I did.  The truth is some days I did and some days I didn’t, but the one thing that always seems to keep me from going overboard is the fear of having someone in my family, primarily my wife, see me drunk and suggest I stop again.

 When I went over the edge about 4 years ago, I got to a point where I could not stop.  I could not go one single day without at least one drink.  I never came close to that this time.  I remember when I was getting ready to ask for help (this phase lasted over a year), I was scared to death of thought of quitting, either for a short period of time or permanently.   As this January came around, I headed into my annual 4 weeks of sobriety.  I think this is my 4^th or 5^th year not drinking for 4 weeks in January.  This year, as in past years, I did not fear it at all.  I did not dread it at all.  I really looked forward to it.  Why?  One, because I felt I needed it from drinking too much in December.  Two, because I think it helps me mentally to know that I can do it on my own.  And, three, just because I start each year with a health kick that always includes some dietary change that I won’t waste blog time with.

 This year my goal was to go from Jan 2^nd to Jan 31^st.  Well, I already blew it, but don’t feel guilty at all.  I blew it because my wife and I were invited to a friend’s birthday celebration at a very expensive restaurant.  When I first told my wife that I would not break my dry spell, even she said I was crazy.  Crazy because there was going to be very good wine, the kind that we cannot regularly afford.  So, with my wife’s blessing and encouragement, I went off the dry train for one day and picked up the next day. 

 Other than the birthday party, the dry train has been very, very easy.  I will admit to having a few small cravings on a recent Friday night, but that passed with food.   And, on the weeknights, I have had absolutely no cravings at all.

 I don’t feel guilty for the one night as I was not looking for excuses to drink.  If I were, I could have found many.   While I was on day 3, I met a bunch of high school friends at a restaurant for a few drinks.  I think they were all still in holiday mode as the drinks were consumed in large quantities.  I stayed for 2 hours and drank nothing but water and it felt good.

 Now, what happens after 1/31.  Well, I haven’t quite figured it out yet.  However, I am thinking of a new  plan, something different from counting out 15 drinks a week.  One with a little less work, but also riskier.  My current plan in draft stage is to buy one 1.75 liter of vodka at the beginning of every month.  By my calculations that comes out to just over 9 drinks each week.  Considering, I really do not drink that much beer and wine (actually very little beer), I think I can be safe in saying I can have as much beer and wine as I want, but will not buy any more vodka if I run out.

Now, I know many of you are thinking that this could backfire in a huge way.  However, I really don’t drink that much beer and wine, primarily because I almost always drink beer and wine in front of my wife.  They are not like vodka where I can easily drink a 3 oz shot in the basement by myself.   I don’t run to the basement and chug a glass or 2 of wine.  I don’t hide the wine and beer.  So, that would leave me about 6 beer and wine drinks for the weekends (to add up to 15 total after the 9 vodkas), which is more than I normally drink.  I don’t usually drink Mon-Thurs.

 This plan would reduce the stress of counting while still having controls in place.  So, that is where I am at now.  I know many of you are thinking, that if I am really enjoying a sober January, why not just keep going?  Well, because I like to drink. Others of you are thinking “well, the plan sounds risky, but it might work if you buy a liter of vodka each month, instead of the 1.75”. Still others may think, why not just cut out the vodka all together and just stick with the beer and wine. Well, these are probably things I SHOULD do, and may do down the road. I am just not ready yet.

Back on track, sort of

I had committed to going under for a couple of weeks after admittedly going off plan for a good part of the summer (see last post). The first week back was easy (2 weeks ago).  I did drink on a Wednesday which is very rare for me, but I had a work dinner function.  I did not even try to abstain; I enjoyed 3 glasses of wine over a 3 hour period and was fine with it.  The good news was that even with my mid week drinking I kept my weekly total to 11.  I had 5 on Friday, 3 on Saturday and 0 on Sunday.  It was easy because I did not pick up any vodka and just stuck with wine and beer.  The interesting part was that I had 5 beers on Friday night at a Yankee game.  5 beers over a 3 hour period is not a ton.  But, for some reason, because it was beer instead of my usual vodka, I was much more buzzed than I would have thought, not overly buzzed, but still I was surprised.  For me, there is definitely a difference between beer and vodka, even when drinking the same amount of alcohol.

Then, last week I broke down on Saturday night and picked up Vodka.  I ended up the week right at my limit of 15, which is honestly not good as I had planned to go under for a couple of weeks.  So, in essence I failed.  I think I had 4 on Friday, 6 on Saturday and 5 on Sunday.  This week I am back on schedule, dry Mon, Tues and tonight.  5:30am basketball is back in full force 3 days a week and our league starts in November, so it is time to step it up and get ready. That will help keep my drinking down.   Until next week …..

 

Back in moderation mode

Well, I am back in moderation mode.  I did over drink in the summer, especially the latter part of August.  I am not sure what happened, but I just kind of gave up on the moderation.   And, if I didn’t know already, if I don’t have strict limits on my drinking, I will drink too much.

 I did not go crazy.  I never got staggering drunk or got in any trouble.  My wife said something to me one night suggesting I looked buzzed, but I brushed if off and that was it. 

 I will need to make note of this for next summer.  For now I am back on schedule with my 15 drinks a week, and even plan to make up for some of my over drinking.  For the next couple of weeks I will keep it to 10 or even less.  It should be pretty easy as I will not buy any vodka for 2 weeks.    I may go longer, but I have a birthday coming up in a couple of weeks.  I know, I know a lame excuse.  But, I will not allow it as an excuse to go over my 15 drink a week limit.  Just as an excuse to back to 15 from whatever lower number I end up at for the next 2 weeks.

 Business is very busy, basketball is back in full swing and I have a major presentation coming up on 9/19 to over 100 business people at a country club.  I certainly have no room for alcohol in my life during the work week.