30 days sobriety complete

Let me start off by saying that I picked up a 1.75 ltr bottle of vodka yesterday.  I didn’t plan on it, but I always get nervous when in a liquor store that someone will see me and I want to get in and out quick.  That being said, it was the economics again that got me. The price of the liter that I planned on buying was more than I expected and the price of the 1.75 less. I did some quick math and ran out with the 1.75.  I may only saved around 7 or 8 bucks over a 2 week period, but money is money.

I did not regret it. I rationalized it by thinking that if I am going to stick with this moderation plan, I will need to abstain at least 3 days a week.  Since picking up only what I need for any day is out of the question, that means I will need to learn to abstain with vodka in the house anyway. So, I will be tested right out of the gate after my 30 days of sobriety.

The good news is that I stuck with the plan yesterday.  Most notably is that I picked up the vodka around 1:30pm and did not have my first drink until 6:30pm. That is an accomplishment in itself.  Normally, I would have had my first shot right away and on a day like the super bowl, could have easily polished off 20 oz before the day was over. 

I had one beer and 6 oz of vodka over 3.5 hours (5 drinks), hardly enough to get drunk (I did not drive), but enough of a buzz to make it enjoyable.  I can also tell you that after 30 days of sobriety, I felt the effects of the drinking this morning.  Not a hangover, but I could easily feel the difference and it was not as good as the sober feeling.

So, I need to abstain 3 days out of the next 4 (not sure which yet), then I will have a few drinks on Fri, Sat and Sun.  I know that for me  moderation will be harder than abstaining, but I feel pretty good about it right now.

29 hours to go to finish 30 days sober

29 more hours to go to finish 30 days sober.   I am very cognizant of the significance of counting hours at this point. Or, actually I don’t know the significance, but recognize it is a little concerning.  The last few days have been the toughest, not real tough, but far tougher than the beginning. 

As the day gets closer, I start to crave it more. I can almost taste it.  Yesterday, I had thoughts of giving in, just a little.  My wife and 2 friends polished off 2 bottles of wine over dinner at our house.  At one point they were all in the other room with the open bottle of wine on the table in the room where I was. I thought about taking a swig from the bottle, but hesitated, thought about it and decided against it.  I am not sure if it was more because I wanted to finish my 30 or didn’t want to get caught swigging from the bottle, probably a combination of both. Anyway, last night was a little tough. But, I just need to get through one more night.

My 30 days officially ends at 6pm tomorrow. The super bowl kickoff is around 6:40 and I will be going to a party at my cousin’s house.  My plan as of now is to limit myself going forward to no more than 5 drinks in any day and 15 in any one week.  5 drinks in vodka is 7.5 oz.  That seems like nothing.  However, 5 beers seems like plenty as would 5 glasses of wine.  OK, I am exaggerating a bit, it is not plenty but it seems like a lot more than 7.5 oz of vodka which goes down like water.  Honestly, as I think about it more, I would be ok with cutting my vodka way back to almost nothing if I could have all my allotted drinks in beer or wine. However, that is not going to happen any time soon as it would be almost impossible to hide and drink. I am not going to be downing glasses of wine or beer in my basement or office.

Tomorrow I will pick up some vodka.  It will either be a liter or 750 ml.  If I pick up the liter, I am going to make it last until a week from this coming Friday which puts me well under my 15 drink a week rule.  It is easier for me to begin my drinking week on Monday and end on Sunday, not sure why it just is. So, tomorrow night, I will limit myself to 5 drinks and the 15 won’t be an issue as the week will be over. Then, I will start a new week on Monday.  Since the moderation rules state I have to abstain a minimum of 3 days a week, that means I have to go dry 3 out of the next 4 days so that I can drink on Friday.  That works out great so I can ease my way back into drinking.

26 days sober and the post 30 plan

26 days sober and 4 to go. I still have not decided on what my post 30 plan will be. If I have not decided by my first day having a drink which will be Sunday 2/7, I will at least have a plan for the week.

Part of my dilemma is when to pick up booze and how much. It would probably be best for me to not keep anything in the house and only pick up what I plan to drink on any given day. However, that is not an option, as I have to hide the booze and pick it up without being seen by anyone I know. That is stressful and time consuming as I have to go a couple of towns away. Also, it is more expensive to pick up daily.

What I would like to do is pick up a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka when I am out or ready to drink and then only drink what my plan allows. But, I don’t know if I am ready for that yet. The more likely option is to start by picking up a 750 ml bottle. That comes out to about 25 oz and about 3 oz more than I plan to allow myself for a week. If I do screw up and drink the whole thing, then I have only gone over by 2 drinks and will know it is time for a new plan. Of course, buying the smaller quantity will cost more, but a small price to pay in the short run until I see if I can abstain while I have booze in the house.

Another thought I had was to limit myself to one 1.75 ltr bottle a month but not to put a limit on how much I can drink at any one time (that part needs more thought). That would be significantly less than the liter a week rule I had been living under. However, after the relative ease I have had with the 30 days of abstaining, I am starting to think I might be able to do it.

OK, enough thinking of the plan for now. Funny, I am trying to train myself to be a normal, moderate, responsible drinker; however, normal drinkers don’t have to think and plan this much.

Dancing with my daughter

23 days sober, 7 to go ….

For those of us who have drinking problems, I am sure most (or all) would agree that the times we wake up from a sober day and say “Gee, I wish I would have drank yesterday” are rare or never.  It does happen to me, but only a few times a year.  Almost always it is after a family party.  My family tends to get a little rowdy with drinking, dancing and singing.  During one family party this past summer, I felt like an outsider. I cannot get in the mood to join in the singing and dancing while sober. I woke up the next morning feeling cheated and deprived wishing I had a few drinks and joined in the fun.

This past Saturday, I hosted a family party for my daughter’s 5^th birthday, actual day 2/2.   There were 14 adults and 10 kids.  At least one adult from every couple (the non driving one) was drinking and having a good time. I wished I could have joined in, but didn’t.  I distracted myself by doing all the cooking which kept me pretty busy.

After the party, when it was only my wife, daughter and I, my daughter asked me to dance with her.  We did for about a half hour, twisting, turning, lifting, laughing.  She looked so beautiful and happy in her birthday dress. We  had a great time.  If I had been drinking it still would have been a good time, but it would not have been the same.

When I woke up on Sunday, it was NOT one of those days that I wished I had drank the night before. I need to remember these times.

What I found in AA

ITSB asked me a question in the comments that is an important one and I thought I would share my response with all. The question: “I’d be curious to know what you learned in AA that was helpful.”

Response: I think the main thing about AA for me was having a support group of people dealing with the same/similar issues. And, seeing the same people on a regular basis face to face enhances that support even more.  For some, the moderation group is a variation of that, but I haven’t really immersed myself in the group. The chats are at 9pm my time which is not a good time for me. There is a Thursday afternoon one also, but business has prevented me from attending that one so far also.  So, I am limited to the e-mails which don’t even come close to providing the same support as an AA meeting, but do help.   The moderation group also has live meetings but there are none near me; otherwise, I would go. Also, with AA, I had a sponsor that I spoke to about 4 or 5 days a week. I called him every day, but we did not always connect.

So, what helps me now is throwing my commitments and goals out there. I am very competitive and for me to state on my blog that I am going to abstain from alcohol for 30 days and to declare it to the moderation group really helps me strive to keep my commitment.  I would hate to have to go back and tell people I failed.  Funny, in that I should be the only one that matters with these  issues (and my family of course); however, if I only made a commitment like my 30 days sober to myself, it would be harder to keep.

21 days sober at 6:00pm this evening.  9  more to go.

Almost 20 days sober and boring

I am pretty close to finishing 20 days sober.  I feel good and have also noticed that I have become pretty boring.  While abstaining, I don’t seem to have as much to say on this blog and accordingly, the blog hits and comments are way down. That is OK, I will take sober and boring, at least for a month.

 Overall, my 30 days has been pretty easy.  I have a little cravings on the weekends but not too much and the weekdays have been a piece of cake.  A little over 10 days to go; unfortunately, that includes almost 2 weekends. I am allowed my first drink early Sunday evening 2/7 right before the Super Bowl begins.

18 days sober, time for a post 30 plan

I’m a few hours from completing 18 days sober, 12 more to go.  I am now thinking about my plan for post 30. The moderation website recommends no more than 14 drinks a week and no more than 4 in a day for men.  Of course, my alcoholic mind is already looking for reasons to stretch this.   

First, I went with the angle that I am larger than the average male, so I can drink more.  Wrong.  I was surprised to see that the average male in the US is 5’10” and 191 lbs. My how we have grown over the years.  We are actually getting heavier and taller each decade.  I am 6’2” 195 lbs, hardly enough to make a case for why I should drink more.  Honestly, however, I think I can safely handle more.  Most of 2009 I was on a limit of a liter of vodka a week.  A liter is 33.7 oz or 22.5 drinks.  I was comfortable with that amount and made it most weeks.   That being said, I am going to cut it down.  Right now I am thinking no more than 15 drinks in a week and 5 in a day.  That would be 22.5 oz of booz, down 33% from my last goal.  I think this is realistic, safe and doable. 

I am a little more concerned about the 5 drinks in a day.  7.5 oz of vodka doesn’t provide much of a buzz unless I drink it all in an hour. However, this is where I need to modify my drinking and behavior.  If I stop the early drinking on weekends, I should be OK.  I will go back to my plan of drinking only on Fri, Sat and Sun most weeks.  Then, I will go sober for 4 days.  The moderation groups suggests 3 or 4 days of abstaining each week, this is right in with the plan.

This is where the plan stands now. I have some time to finalize it.

16 days sober, 14 to go

Day 16 in the books, 14 more to go.  Had some mild cravings yesterday but nothing too bad and never came close to drinking. 

Some more thoughts on moderation:

1.  So far the 30 days has been pretty easy.  Some say in the moderation group that abstaining is much easier than moderating.  I expect that will be true for me.  I will need to have a plan for my post 30 days.  More on that and what the group recommendations are later.
2.  In the comments, one mentioned that the counting the drinks was too much.  I agree, it is a lot of work and I can see how it would be too much of a hassle for some. However, I have been counting my drinks for a year now.  Counting is the only way I can moderate and if I have any chance of this moderation thing working, it is crucial.
3. Someone else reminded me of the wife dilemma and the hiding of the booze both in the house (and outside) and on my breath.  This will still be a problem. However, I also see moderation as the only chance I may have for my wife to be ok with me drinking again.  Some day she is going to ask me why I stopped going to the AA meetings. It has been at least 2 months since I have gone.  I suspect she would like to bring it up, but is a little nervous to deal with it.  However, when she does bring it up, I now  at least have something to tell her.  That will be that I have been getting support on line.  That is the first step.  Depending on how the conversation goes I may tell her about the moderation part.  Or, I could just leave her believing I am getting sober support on line.  The bottom line is that someday I may be able to discuss with her that I want to try drinking again and I have a plan and support.   I figure that is the only way she would ever sanction my drinking.   Note, for those that don’t’ know my history; my wife never knew I had a problem with drinking until I brought it up.  So, it is not like she will be worried I will go back to my old ways.

half way to 30 days sober

Well, almost half way to my 30 days of abstaining, it will be 15 days at 6:00pm tonight.  Last night was interesting.  I said in my last post that the only reason I could think of for not doing a 30 was that I wanted to drink last night which was the end of my original 2 weeks.  The other part of that was that I had plans to go out with a couple of high school buddies for drinks last night.   I thought in advance that it would have been nice to have a couple of drinks with them.  However, after some more thinking about it, I realized that there will be no time in the next 12 months where there will be a 30 day period where I will not find a reason to drink. There will always be something.

Last night I got to the restaurant a little after my friends who had already ordered drinks.  I tried to discretely order a NA beer from the server. I turned away from the group and told her to bring me a NA beer in a glass thinking she would understand. She didn’t’. She brought the bottle back to the table and poured it into a glass in front of the table.  Luckily, the others were engaged in chatting and I don’t think anyone noticed. Later she came back to see who wanted another drink and asked me in front of everyone if I wanted another beer. She said the name, but I don’t remember it, it was some type of NA import. Again, I don’t think anyone noticed. However, I thought to myself that these servers ought to be trained that some people that drink NA beer would like to be discreet.

Anyway, the night was easy and I was glad I didn’t drink. Surprisingly, I had no cravings and did not miss it at all. I think it was because I have already prepared myself for the mindset of a 30. When I got home at 10:15, my wife and daughter were still awake reading a book. I hopped in bed with them to say prayers.  It sure was a relief and less stressful to not have to hide the alcohol on my breath.  I sensed that my wife was checking me out anyway.  My eyes were a little red from walking home in the cold and that is the one way my wife would be able to tell I was drinking. I don’t know what she thought and really don’t care as I was sober.  That NA beer I had was really good by the way.  It tasted as good as a regular beer. I need to stop back by that restaurant to get the name.

 3 weekends sober, wow !!!

13 days sober going for 30 !!!

I have decided to give moderation a try with support from www.moderation.org.  Thanks to IT SB for introducing me to it. I have lived these past few years not realizing there was support for a middle ground between AA and drinking. This makes perfect sense to me and I am happy to have some support.  Some of you might be thinking “great, the last thing this guy needs is an excuse to drink”.  And, I too have contemplated the dangers of the concept. However, I am drinking now and I have been trying to control my drinking on my own for over a year now. Why not do it with a support group?

Now, one part of the plan is to go 30 days without drinking. I had committed already to 14 days. I thought about whether to get the 30 out of the way now or stick with the 14 for now and do the 30 at a later date.  I put together a list of the reasons why I should do 30 now and the reasons I shouldn’t.  I won’t list all the reasons why I should because most of them are obvious.  The only reason I could come up with not to is that I was looking forward to a drink tomorrow.  It really would have been a lot easier to have quit drinking with 30 in mind at the beginning. Because once I got to day 9 and I was 2 weekends sober, I started craving a drink in a few days.  Now, I kind of need to reset my thinking for a 30, not that easy to do, but I can and will do it.

Doing the math, I can actually have my first drink at 6pm on Super Bowl Sunday (Feb 7).  That being said, I may fall an hour or so short of a full 30 days but I am ok with that.

This whole concept has given me new hope in succeeding as a moderate drinker.   The worst that could happen is that I go 30 days sober but don’t stick with the moderation plan. I will still have 16 days more sober than I planned on.

Much more on the whole moderation thing to come …..