craving some vodka today

4 days sober, but I need to be careful today. I have already decided that I would like and deserve a drink today. It has been a productive but stressful week. I made it through yesterday fairly easy as I had no vodka in the house. However, I was craving it a little more towards the end of my work day.

I have to leave the house around noon to drop my four year old daughter at school. Then, I am going to meet with my accountant. That is when I will pick up the Vodka. The first test will be not drinking any until later on today. I have to come back and get some more work done. Hopefully, that will give me enough incentive to not take a drink until the end of the day. However, I need to transfer the Vodka to water bottles before coming home and that is always a test.

My next test is to limit what I drink tonight. What I would really like to do is drink half a liter, but then I run the risk of getting caught. So, I have to be careful, a shot after work, and sneak about 3 more in during the night. That should be enough to take the edge off. However, I will need some strength limit it and not go over board.

Day 3 without a drink in the books

Yesterday was rather easy. I was wrapped up in work and only left the house briefly to get my Ash Wednesday ashes. I can’t say that I wouldn’t have been tempted if I had vodka in the house. I know I would have. But, I never really had the temptation to go out and get some.

I am very confident I will make it through the day again today. The trick is to stay home. The minute I head out and I know a liquor store is near, I know I will be tempted.

Tomorrow is another story. I really would like to make it through the entire 5 days work week without a drink and reward myself with a couple of shots tomorrow evening. However, I can’t think about that too much now. I need to stay focused on today and getting some work done.

Sober a 2nd day

Well, yesterday was interesting, for me anyway. My wife was going to be out for the evening and I had planned on drinking one beer. I was away on business for the afternoon and was very temped to stop at a liquor store. Stopping at a liquor store while out of town is attractive because I don’t have to worry about anyone seeing me. I had hoped to avoid this but brought some empty water bottles just in case to transfer the vodka to.

Finally, after my meeting, I made the decision that if I came across a liquor store on the way back to the highway, I would stop. If I didn’t see one, I wasn’t to go searching for one. I did not see one and headed home. As I got closer to home, I had the idea of stopping at a deli to pick up a beer. The reason for this is that I wasn’t quite sure if my wife knew about the 2 beers in the basement. They are not hidden, but she doesn’t poke around down there much. Nevertheless, I figured it would be safer to buy one.

Getting off the highway, I pulled into the lane going the other direction from my house to get a beer. It was a long light, and after a while, I decided I would head home and drink one of the beers in the basement. After my wife left, I went to the basement only to find that someone had moved the beer. It could have been my wife or father-in-law who had been down there during the day. I thought about it and then decided not to take the chance. If my wife knows they are there and then checked today to see them missing, that could be a problem. Also, I didn’t want to deal with the stress of not knowing if she knew they were there and if she would find out. That defeated the goal of having a relaxing beer.

I opted to skip it and stay sober a second day. Good choice. I had a great evening playing with my 4 year old daughter and was better without it.

Now, here it is midweek. I plan to stay sober today and tomorrow. Maybe I will have a drink in Friday. One day at a time I guess.

Sober for a day

Well, sort of sober anyway. I did not drink any alcohol yesterday. However, someone who admits he has a drinking problem is not necessarily sober because he did not drink for one day. I feel good. Even at one day, there seemed to be less stress and turmoil because I kind of committed to it and didn’t think about it as much.

Last weekend, I drank 16 oz of vodka and one beer (that included Friday night). If I honestly thought I could stay dry Sunday night through Friday night and only drink that much on the weekends, I would be content. However, I know that would be difficult to impossible. But, baby steps. My goal for now is to have one beer tonight. This was not in my original plan, but I do really want to sit back, relax and enjoy a beer without hiding it. My wife is going to an all girl dinner party tonight and I will be alone with my 4 year old daughter. I still have 2 beers in the basement from a recent family party. I plan to drink one. Then, my goal is to go until Friday without a drink.

I went to an AA meeting yesterday. I am still attending 4 per week on average. The meetings help keep me somewhat grounded and from going to far with the drinking. I enjoy going, but I don’t get there early or stay late as I don’t want to talk with anyone. My fear is that they will start asking me questions about how long I have been sober, etc. I don’t want to lie. I have been able to attend meetings while drinking for 2 months now and I have not told a lie to anyone.

Yesterday, I went to my usual afternoon meeting when I would have preferred the evening anniversary meeting. However, those are too social and I was worried about too many conversations with people. The girl who chairs the Sunday meeting asked me recently if I would speak one day. I said yes, but we never agreed on a date and I have avoided her ever since. That would be tough.

Only one beer yesterday. Today is another test

I got through the weekend without any trips to the liquor store. I had the 16 oz of Vodka to start Friday with. I drank about half on Friday and the rest on Saturday. While I would have liked more, that worked out just fine since I had to drive Saturday night.

That left me without any on Sunday. I woke up not worried about it thinking this would be the beginning of staying dry for a bit. However, by noon the cravings were pretty strong. I started to feel irritable and jittery and thought a shot would help. I have heard many times at AA meetings that the drink no longer has the effect it used to and that all the fun of drinking is long gone. I can’t say that yet. I really feel that a drink would have helped me feel better. However, I understand that since one shouldn’t drink every day, eventually you must break the string. So, in the long run, it is better to ride it out.

Anyway, I was able to avoid the trip to the liquor store. It was not easy. I thought about it many times. However, I did have one beer hidden in the basement that was leftover from a recent family party. When I had the chance to sneak downstairs around 5pm, I ran down, chugged the beer in about 3 seconds and that was it. It did make me feel better. However, it would have been much better if I could have sat down and drank it slowly while watching a basketball game or something, in other words, relaxing as opposed to the stress of sneaking it. Nevertheless, I drank the one and had no vodka for the day.

Now comes the next part of the test. Can I go the week without heading to the liquor store? I have no alcohol in the house today. I think I will make it today. I want to go without a drink today. I will go to a noon AA meeting and pray.

Time to draw “another” line in the sand

Wednesday was a decent day. I was able to get by on 4 actual size shots.  Yesterday, I was not so lucky.  I was an hour away from home on a business appointment and used that opportunity to visit a liquor store in the area where I knew there was no fear of anyone seeing me. I bought a liter of Vodka, quickly poured it into 2 16 oz water bottles, and took a swig. The first problem was that it was only 4pm. My rationale was that I would not be home until 5pm and didn’t have much work left for the day.  Well, starting that early is a big problem. I ended up the day drinking one of the 16 oz bottles.  Since it was spread out from 4pm to 8pm, I never got really buzzed.  That was a big slip nonetheless.  I did not drink any more than the initial swig while driving. I am very careful about that.

 

It is time to draw another line in the sand.  I can’t keep this up.  The stress is too much, I am bound to get caught sooner or later, and it is affecting my work.  I still have the 16oz bottle left. I plan to drink it over the next 3 days, which is not very much by day, and then stop for a while. I still am not ready to stop permanently. But, if I can’t stop drinking every day, I know I am in big trouble.

 

I know what I have to do if and when I give in again. Get a new sponsor and start the steps again.  I am just not ready to do it. I keep holding on to this glimmer of hope, even if it is false hope, that I can limit my drinking to special occasions.  I recognize that being a social drinker is out. I have already given up on that.  Anyway, first things first. I need to see if I can get through the weekend without any more trips to the liquor store.

Craving one good drunk

I made it until 5pm yesterday without having a drink. I will admit, it wasn’t that easy. Actually, I was wrapped up in work for most of the day. So, that wasn’t bad, but come 4pm, I could not stop thinking about it. I almost cracked a few times and jumped the gun early, but didn’t. At 5pm on the dot, I poured a single shot. That was an accomplishment in itself. Normally, I would take a big swig out of the water bottle. That usually ends up in at least 2 shots. I find that if I measure it in a shot glass, I drink less. I ended up having 3 shots before dinner and one after. I consider that a decent night. I do recognize, however, that the main thing keeping me from drinking more is my wife, fear that she may find out, fear I may disappoint and worry her.

I know I have to break this string of drinking every day. I have already given up the hope of being a casual or social drinker. That is not going to happen. The glimmer of drinking hope I hold on to now is to be able to drink occasionally, a few days a year. The problem or one of the problems I should say is that it will always have to be in hiding. My family can never know and that takes a lot of the fun out of it right there, not to mention the added stress of sneaking around.

Right now I am craving one good drunk. I really don’t think I can say I have been drunk in 9 months. I could only do that if I were alone for a day and that is not going to happen in the foreseeable future. Or, if I snap and I sure hope that doesn’t happen, because my wife will find out for sure. Then, I am cooked.

1/2 liter yesterday, shoot, not good

Well, yesterday did not go well. It was a holiday for many but I was working. My wife was out with my daughter and I figured she would be home around lunch time. At 11am I had this sudden urge to run to the liquor store, not to drink, but to have it for later in the day as I had planned to only work until 4pm or so. I had not necessarily made the decision to drink, just to have it just in case. Well, that is ridiculous thinking. If I have it, I am going to drink it.

So, I hopped in the car and headed out. I have to drive 10 minutes or so to go to a liquor store a couple of towns over for fear of someone seeing me. Even there is risky. My heart begins to race every time I approach a liquor store. I think it is s combination of knowing I am doing something I should not, the anxiety over someone seeing me and the thought of that first buzz from a shot of vodka.

I decided on a liter. I ran back to my car, drove about a mile towards home and then pulled over in this parking spot that has a garbage can next to it. There I poured the liter in to two 16 oz water bottles and got rid of the bottle. Then, of course, although I did not plan on it and did not want to, I drank a small swig from one of the bottles. Well, that was a big mistake. Because, once I start and I have it around, it is nearly impossible to stop. I ended up drinking one of the 16 oz bottles. Most of it was over the next few hours. Then, I was able to sneak a swig or two while my wife was home. I am pretty sure she did not notice as again the drinking was spread out enough that I never got drunk. However, I lost almost a full day at work and can honestly say I did not have fun at all.

This morning I planned to move the other 16 oz bottle to the garage where it is a little more difficult to get to. However, after a cup of coffee and some breakfast, I was already feeling like a drink. I am pretty sure I will hold off until at least 5pm and get a full days work in. Then, I will have a shot or two. It won’t be too tough to stay in control today as my wife will be home most of the day. But, I have it and that in itself is a problem, because I will be thinking about it.

The weekend …

Friday I had about 3 shots. Saturday, I had about 6oz left and knew that would not be enough for the weekend. So, I picked up a pint Saturday morning. I drank about 10oz on Saturday but it was spread out between 12noon and 8pm. So, I never had more than a little buzz. The problem I see is that I clearly would have had more, and wanted more; however, I was too worried about my wife finding out. So, that keeps me in control. On Sunday I was left with what was left in the pint, 8oz or so. I figured that would be perfect for the day, but it wasn’t. I toyed with the idea of making an excuse to go out, but held off. While my wife was shopping, I was able to drink a beer. Although the smell of beer is easy to detect, I keep non-alchoholic O’Douls in th house. So, I put an empty can on the counter so that my wife would think the smell came from that when she came home. As usual, I would have really liked another shot or two, but come this morning, I was glad I did not have any more in the house.

What I have learned most of all recently, is that the turmoil and stress around drinking can be much worse than the actual drinking. I have not had “that” much to drink in the last few weeks. Rarely, if every have I gone over the legal .08 driving limit. The problem is all the stress of whether to drink or not drink, if so, how much and the hiding of it all, that creates so much stress. In an AA meeting recently, someone said that drinking is merely a symptom of our disease. That was not the first time I heard that, but I am just now beginning to understand it. I am stressed out as I typed this. I know a drink “would” make me feel good, but I have to break the string some day, as I know in the long run it can’t go on.

Didn’t make it yesterday

Yesterday I bought a pint, but only drank about 4oz. Worst part was I bought some cheap trash called Georigio or something. In my real drinking days it was Finlandia, Stoli or Absolut. These days, in order to save/hide money, I use Smirnoff. They were out of pints, a half pint wasn’t enough for yesterday and today, so I bought a pint some even cheaper stuff. It was harsh and didn’t even give me the same good buzz as decent Vodka.

Anyway I sit here now with the roughly 6 oz left from yesterday and an additional 6oz I stumbled on. I had to move a friend’s car that parks in my driveway and heard a bottle clanking in the back, I look behind me to find a half full 1.75 liter of Smirnoff. I poured about 6oz into a water bottle and put the rest back. Now some may see that as stealing. I assure you my friend would not mind. Actually, he would be thrilled. He remains perplexed at losing one of his best drinking buddies. I often wondered whether he should be in AA. Finding an open bottle of vodka in his back seat next to his baby seat (he has a 4 month old), is not a good sign. But, that is not my concern, at least not now.

So, I have 12 oz of Vodka. If I could use only that over today and the weekend, that would be considered a victory.

My wife had a dream last night that we were at a bar and I ordered 6 beers. I can’t remember if she said she was mad or upset in her dream. There is a difference. My concern is that it is on her mind and she may ask me some day soon how many months I have been sober. At that point, I have 2 choices: lie and keep going; or, tell the truth which would completely screw everything up going forward. She could not go every day wondering whether I am drinking or not, creating stress for her. And, I don’t want to stop, at least yet. I would end up quitting for her, which would only put more stress on me, and I doubt it would last. Both options suck, but I think better to lie. I hope it doesn’t come up any time soon.