Think the drink through ….

First of all Sunday went as planned and I did not pick up any more vodka. I had about 8 oz left and drank it in 4 shots. The shots were about an hour apart and I never felt anything. I think my tolerance is so high at this point, 2 oz of vodka does absolutely nothing for me.  I think next time I need to condense the drinking so that I at least get a little buzz out of it. 

So, I have been thinking a lot about the upcoming Vegas trip and the more I think about it, the more worried I get.  One of the things I learned in AA is to think the drink through.  Meaning, to visualize what will happen after the first drink.  The main goal is to keep one from having the first drink. That is not going to happen with me, but the idea is still very helpful.  

This is how my first day in Vegas would have gone. The idea was to pick up some vodka today.  Let’s say I pick up a pint, what we call a pint in the US is actually 12.7 oz.  I would have drank a 2.7 oz shot before going through security at the airport. I would have brought another 2 oz shot through (in a shampoo bottle or something, easy to do).  I would have drank that before boarding or once on board.  I would have packed the remaining 8 oz into my check in bag.  The first leg of the flight is a small puddle jumper and my guess is that they will not have any alcohol on board since the flight leaves at 10am.

 I have a one hour layover in Chicago. I probably would have had a 24 oz draft beer at the bar.  If they offered to let me add a shot for $2 as some airport bars do, I would have done that as well.  I would have had another beer, maybe 2  on the plane from Chicago to Vegas.  As soon as the captain announced we were descending, my cravings would go into high gear thinking about the 8 oz of vodka in my bag.  It is tough to explain this feeling to a non-alcoholic, but it is very strong. My blood pressure goes up, I get very fidgety and I start counting down the minutes until I can get to my bag.  When I get into a state like that, a 2 oz shot will do nothing. Once I had my bag, I would have drank half the bottle to relax myself.  Sometimes I wonder if a placebo would have a similar effect.   The other 4 oz would be gone on the shuttle to the hotel or as soon as I got into my hotel room.

OK, let me add this up. That means at about 3:00pm in Vegas, I would have already had 3 or 4 beers and 12.7 oz of vodka. Depending on what one considers a drink, that comes out to about 11 or 12 drinks. Now, I really don’t feel all that buzzed at this point, but I have 6 more hours of drinking to go.  I stop thinking the drink through at that point because I know the day is not going well and won’t end well.

Even going through that in my mind, I still had a battle with myself this morning about picking up.  And, I was not thinking about a pint, I was VERY close to picking up a liter.  My thought process was that it would be good to have some vodka waiting for me when I get home. I have a redeye back from Vegas Friday night. I can’t sleep on planes so I will be up all night.  I will be a little tired and edgy when I get home and it would be nice to have a drink on hand.  But, then I started thinking that through.  I would have had my first drink at 6:30am and that would be another bad day.  Picking up a liter today would not have been a good idea.

Anyway, I have not picked up today and I don’t think I will.  I will go to the airport with one sober day under my belt, it is a small airport and a small plane, so I will have no access to alcohol until I get to Chicago around noon.  I will have a drink then and another on the plane to Vegas but WON’T have any vodka waiting for me in my bag when I get off.   By the time I get to my hotel room, I will have had a few drinks, but nothing close to the 11 or 12 that I was leading towards if I picked up today.

The rest of the Vegas trip will be a little easier.  Breakfast starts at 7am every day, then there is training until 6pm, then networking and dinner. I can’t say I won’t get buzzed or even a little drunk, but it is a much safer environment when I am mingling with 300 other business professionals. Wish me luck !!!!

A Liter in the books

I started the weekend with 6 oz of vodka left over from the week and I picked up a liter on Friday.  When Saturday night was over I had 8 0z left.  That is more that I had hoped to drink but I don’t feel too bad about it.  My ultimate goal was to simply not pick up any more during the weekend.  I am confident I will be fine. I would really like to save a couple of ounces from what I have to drink before I get on the plane Tuesday, but I can be pretty sure there won’t be any left. More on the upcoming Vegas trip tomorrow.

On Friday night I was able to delay my first shot until about 6:15; however, we were having a small party at our house. It was my birthday and a friend’s birthday. The friend also happened to be moving to California the next morning.  So, it was a going away party as well. 

Having a birthday is not much of a trigger for me.  However, when I went downstairs after work, there were 3 bottles of wine on the table and the girls were already drinking.  I do feel deprived at times like that. I like wine.  I like good wine. They had good wine and they were enjoying it. I wanted a glass but couldn’t.  So, I drank my 6 oz that was up in my office in 2 shots over a half hour period. I had hoped at one point that I would not crack open the liter that nigth, but I did.  It was out in the trunk of the car and I could not sneak it in, so I had to hide it outside.  The problem with that was that it was tough to tell how much I was drinking. I was sneaking outside occasionally to chuck directly from the warm bottle hidden in the bushes, kind of sad huh?  Anyway, I figure I drank about a total of a half a liter for the night.  I did the same on Saturday although Saturday’s was spread out a little more as I had my first shot around 4pm. 

As long as I get through the day with the 8 oz I have, I will be satisfied with the weekend drinking.  Vegas is a whole different story. I have been thinking about it and it could be a disaster if I don’t prepare and plan and I have started to do that.

Vodka update

Of the 20 oz I started the week with, I have 6 left. Not bad 14 oz in 4 nights. I could have made it through the night without picking up and should have. However, I happened to be doing an errand right near a liquor store today and picked up a liter. After everything I said about not going for the 1.75 anymore, I honestly did think about it. I am going to Vegas on Tuesday for 3 nights of business. I would like to take a little in the suitcase so I have a couple of shots ready when I get there and I do like to do a shot before getting on the plane to relax a little. I didn’t think there would be much left if I only bought a liter. I remembered the lesson, and stayed away from the 1.75. If I can’t save any, I can pick up a pint on Monday. My goal is to get through the night on 8oz or even the 6 if I can. That will leave me a liter or a little less for the next few days. No Vegas. I am going for a 3 day conference. I have to be careful. This will be my first time alone in a while which is always dangerous. I would love to get drunk every night and have fun, but I can’t. This is business. I am paying for the trip and the purpose is to learn how to run my franchise better. I am a small business owner. It would be dumb of me to get smashed every night and not maximize the conference. So, I have no plans for how much I will drink. I have not given it much thought. But, I dod need to be careful. During last year’s conference, I stayed sober as I was in the middle of my 7 ½ month sober period, I had a sponsor and called him every day. It was actually easy.

tame vodka week so far

Funny, last weekend wasn’t as bad as I thought. It turns out that one of the vodka filled water bottles was actually 20 oz, not the 16 oz I thought. So, I went over my liter limit by only  4 oz.  And, I was so close.  On Saturday and Sunday I drank 1 liter before going to bed.  I was in bed with my daughter reading her a book around 9pm.  I always stay with her until she falls asleep.   However, I fell asleep as well (I do that sometimes even when completely sober).  I woke up a little after a 11pm and heard the NY Giants football game down to the last few minutes in a close game. I moved to the TV room to watch the end.  I had about 4 oz of vodka left in a bottle in my office so I drank it between about 11:15pm and 12 midnight.

So, my 2 lessons I mentioned earlier were reinforced.  If I had not picked up the 1.75 liters, I would have finished the liter before going to bed Sunday night and would have been fine. I doubt very much I would have picked up more during the week.  The other lesson was to always know how much I am drinking.  I honestly believe that if I knew that I had already drank a liter and only a liter, I could have held off on the late Sunday 4 oz.  I certainly didn’t need it.

So, I started this week with a 20 oz bottle and have done ok. I drank about 2 oz on Monday and 4 oz last night.  That leaves me with 14 oz. I am hoping that by having a few drinks during the week, will actually help me from going overboard on the weekend.  I really don’t care if I have a few drinks  every  day vs. going  several days sober and then drinking heavy on the weekends.  As long as I can keep my vodka consumption to a liter a week, I am ok with that.

Along with the 2 lessons mentioned above, I also like what bats said in the comments.  If I can learn to delay the first drink a little each day, that will help a lot in the long run. Last night I was ready for a shot at 5pm. I decided to hold off.  I figured the best way was to keep busy. So, I worked another hour to a little after 6pm.  I had my first shot at 6:30 instead of 5:00pm.  I am going to try and do that as much as I can especially on weekends where most of the damage is done. I know, however, that it is not going to be easy.

I screwed up, sh*t !!

I blew it.  This one really bothers me because the weekend started so well and I just blew it.  However, it is time to stop beating myself up over it, learn from my mistakes and move one. What happened?

 

I made it almost 6 days sober.  By Thursday night I was at 4 days sober and felt great. I stayed up late researching for a business appointment I had Friday morning.  I felt good at night, great in the morning and the appointment went really well. I was ready for a drink after work on Friday.   My goal was to have 8 oz Friday night, 16 throughout the day on Saturday and 8 on Sunday for a total of a liter for the weekend. 

 

On Friday I didn’t have a car as my wife was out at a friend’s house with my daughter and our second car is in the shop getting some work done. I thought long and hard about how to get to the liquor store. I could have rode my bike about 3 miles each way.  There is a liquor store only a ¼ mile away, but I know too many people there and at the neighboring stores, I could never buy vodka there. In any event, I decided to forget it. I had one beer hidden in the attic, I put it on ice and then mowed the lawn and went to the gym.  I had the beer with dinner by myself.  It tasted great. I then relaxed in front of the TV until my family got home. Wow, kind of like a normal evening for a normal person.

 

By Saturday morning I was ready.  Around 9:30am I headed to the liquor store with the intention of picking up a liter of vodka.  I had a bad feeling about the store I usually go to in the next town so I went an extra town over.  When I got to the vodka on the shelf, I noticed a liter was $17.99. I usually pay $15.99 at the other place. Right next to it was the 1.75 liter bottle for $21.99, a great price.  I don’t like lingering in liquor stores.  I like to get in and out. I made a quick decision and it was the wrong one. I walked out with the 1.75 liter bottle.  Once in the car, I knew I had made a mistake, but I wasn’t feeling too bad about the weekend. After all, I was already ahead 8oz from not drinking Friday night. I was more worried about having vodka around Mon to Fri of this week. 

 

I knew I had to be careful, so delayed my start. I had planned on having a shot right at the end of my workout around 11am.  I held off until about 2pm before having the first shot.  Long story short I ended up drinking about 20 oz on Saturday.  However, I honestly thought it was about 16 oz which was my goal.  My problem was that I had the vodka broken up into five 8oz bottles and one 16 oz bottle.  I was drinking from one in the basement, one in the office and one in the garage. So, the problem was that I lost track of how much I was drinking. 

 

I Sunday I simply screwed up. I started around 2pm and ended up drinking another 20 oz. By the time I woke up this morning, all I had left was one 16 oz bottle.  So, after getting off to a great start by skipping Friday night, I made up for in and more and blew my liter a week goal.  Now, I have to deal with the fact that I still have another half  liter.  I have little to no confidence in my ability to ignore it until Friday. I am inclined to just give in to it, learn my lessons and go back to my liter a week goal next weekend.

 

What did I learn? First and most important: do not pick up a 1.75 liter bottle.  I am powerless over alcohol and if I have it, I will drink it.  I should be counting oz per week, not dollars per ounce. I would have been far better off paying the extra money for the liter, no matter how expensive it might seem.  Second, only drink out of one or two bottles.  Although I just said that I am powerless over alcohol, I have a much better chance of controlling it if I know how much I am drinking. It is tough to keep track when I am drinking out of 3 or more bottles. I also need to remember how great I felt the end of last week up until Saturday afternoon when I started drinking again.  On Saturday, I can honestly say that I didn’t enjoy the buzz all that much. Usually, I do. I have heard many people in AA say that the buzz is no longer enjoyable, for me it usually is. Saturday it wasn’t.  But, I kept drinking. That is not logical at all, that is alcoholism.  However, I did enjoy it on Sunday. Finally, if I am going to keep my drinking to 8 oz on Sunday,  have to start later in the day. Even if I finish the liter, if I start too early, I run the risk of going to pick up more.

Blog kept me sober for another day !!

I am honestly not sure why I started this blog.   It was not to reach out for help. Actually, my one fear is that someone I know will stumble on it one day and it will get to someone in my family. I do not want anyone I know to see this, ever.  In a way it is a sort of therapy and I have gotten some good advice.   I get an average of around 60 hits a day and I have received 99 comments to date, many of them helpful.  I am not sure why people read this, but I am glad some do.

 

Today I was at a business meeting about a half hour away. We have these area meetings once a quarter.  In the past, each time I attended one of these meetings, I have always picked up vodka on the way home. There is a liquor store conveniently located just a few blocks from the hotel where we have our meeting. It is easy to stop on the way home and the odds of someone I know seeing me are slim to none.  So, it is less stressful.

 

I thought long and hard about picking up a bottle today.  At first I told myself I could pick it up today and hold it until Friday. I quickly realized how ridiculous that was. I would be having a drink about now. Then, I told myself that I could pick up the liter today and still hold myself to the one liter for the week, if the week started this past Monday.   That would be stretching the rules and might leave me wanting more on the weekend.

 

I did not pick up. The ONLY reason I did not pick up was that I didn’t want to have to come back to this blog and tell people that I failed in my liter a week quest.  I actually even thought about lying on the blog for a minute, or omitting the fact that I picked up a bottle today.  Well, that would also be ridiculous. Why write a blog if I can’t be honest?  So, thank you all for being here, you kept me sober for another day. I still plan to pick up a liter on Friday; I doubt anyone or anything can stop that.

What is the purpose of drinking?

For me, the purpose of drinking it is to get a buzz and no other reason. I used to enjoy drinking for the pleasure of it. I enjoy good beer, fine wine, a small glass of single malt scotch every now and then and a few other alcoholic beverages. And, in the old days, when I drank vodka, it always had to be chilled to just the right temperature, usually out of the freezer. It was usually Stoli, Absolut or Finlandia, whatever was on sale that day.

Today, about all I drink is warm vodka out of a water bottle, usually Smirnoff. It is certainly not for the taste of it. If I drink a beer which is not all that often, I don’t enjoy it as I am always a little stressed out about sneaking it. And, drinking a beer does not satisfy my craving for a drink. When I start my drinking on the weekend, I usually begin with a good 3 oz shot, followed 15 or 20 minutes later with a 2 oz shot. That jump starts me and gives me the buzz that I need. I can then pace myself from there.

If I didn’t have to hide my drinking, I would be able to enjoy it more but it would still be more about the buzz then the taste and enjoyment of drinking.

If I have access to vodka, I will drink it; remove it and the cravings go with it …..

I passed the big test on limiting myself to a liter a week of vodka. That was getting through the weekend. I started Saturday with about 16 oz and did make it through the weekend without picking up more, but it was not easy. I polished off about 12 oz on Saturday and felt pretty good. When I looked at the bottle on Sunday morning, I had a little panic attack, wow – only 3 oz left, how will I make it through an entire Sunday on that?

I was able to hold off on the vodka until later in the day. I must admit, that I did have a beer around 3pm. I took my daughter to the pool where they serve beer at the snack bar. There is no cash allowed, you can only charge to your account. Because of this, I could only have one. I could easily pass off one Bud on our account as saying that it was actually a Sharp’s non alcoholic beer and they rang it up wrong. I couldn’t put 2 on the account as my wife knows that I would never have 2 non alcoholic beers in a short time frame. Anyway, it tasted good and felt good, but one 12 oz beer doesn’t do much for an alcoholic. When I got home around 5:30, I had one shot and another a little while later until the 3 oz of vodka were gone. Again, it felt good, but not much of a buzz.

I did want more. And, if I could have got away with sneaking to the liquor store, I probably would have. Most of the stores around here close at 6pm and I was staring at the clock looking for an excuse. But, I held off and was glad I did later in the night and this morning. Funny, when the liquor stores were closed and I really had nowhere to go (a bar was not an option), my cravings went away almost completely. Take the vodka away and I really don’t miss it. Keep it handy and allow me to make the decision and I will almost always drink the vodka.

So, I made it through the weekend without picking up more vodka, but it really wasn’t because I wanted to. It was because I could not get out to get more without raising suspicion with my wife.  Now, I still have to get through to Friday without a drink to complete my week of only  one liter.

1 liter of vodka for the weekend, that is it, I can do this

The plan was to buy a liter Friday and roughly drink 8 oz Friday, 16 Saturday and 8 Sunday. Well, 16 went down Friday. I really don’t feel too guilty though. I went to a High School Football game. I live in the town I grew up in and there were a lot of my high school friends there. I had a good buzz and had a really good time. And, it is walking distance so I didn’t have to worry about drinking and driving.

I will feel guilty if I can’t get through the weekend with the liter. So, I just have to start later today. I just got back from the gym and feel pretty good. The wife and daughter are out shopping so now would be a good time to have that first shot. However, if I do, I know the 16 oz won’t make it through the night and I will be going out for more tomorrow. So, I need to keep busy and lay off the sauce until later. My wife and daughter are heading out to a birthday party at 4pm. So, I can start shortly after. Then, I just need to pace myself and be careful.

I can do this. I can. I can. I can ……..

Alcohol restricts productivity. Wow what a revelation !!!

So far so good midweek. I had my last 2 oz in one shot on Tuesday after work and went dry yesterday. I expect I will make it through today also although I am finishing up work soon and sure would like a drink. I was out for a meeting today and could have picked up a bottle, but held off. I think any time over the last few months, I would have picked up with the weekend coming up. The problem is that if I pick up on Thursday, I will drink at least a couple of shots, sometimes more. If I am going to limit myself to 1 liter a week, I am going to have to do one of 2 things or both: don’t drink Monday through Thursday, or don’t drink before 4 or 5pm on the weekends. If I start at 5pm, I am likely to drink a lot less. If I start before noon on a Sat or Sun, it is easy to drink 16+ oz and never really feel buzzed.

Another thing that I have been focusing on lately is how the alcohol affects my productivity with certain things. I can drink a liter of vodka on a Saturday, do a few hours of yard work, clean the house, make dinner etc. But, this is all busy work. What I don’t do is read, get some extra work done or anything that requires thinking. Except for the Wall Street Journal that I read every morning, I hardly ever read books any more. The reason is that any night that I am drinking, all I can handle at the end of the day is TV. When I am buzzed, I cannot focus on a book or much in front of the computer. All I want to do is veg out and watch TV. But, I like to read. Right now with baseball races winding down and the US Open Tennis coming to the end, I go back and forth between the 2 whether I have been drinking or not. But, overall, alcohol is certainly an impediment to productivity of any kind.