I am willing to bet that the Moderation Management program I am following does more harm than good to many people by giving them false hope. On the other hand, I bet many people who could benefit from Moderation Management get scared by AA into thinking that abstaining is the only way. They never get a shot at Moderation.
Too bad there is no easy way to tell which path is best for each person.
Good start to the week. I went dry Sun-Mon-Tues & Wed, 4 days in a row. My reward is that I get to drink for the next 4 days in a row. I plan to have 2 tonight, 5 on Friday, 5 on Saturday, and 3 on Sunday. Of course, all of this is subject to change. I also recognize that to a normal drinker, this type of planning is a little strange. However, this is the point I am at now and I am ok with it. It is much safer to plan then to wing it. Maybe someday as discussed in my last post and comments, it will come more naturally.
This Sunday my wife and I are going to a Birthday party for a friend. It is at a winery. This will be the second time drinking with my wife. The party lasts for 3 hours. I plan to have 2 glasses of wine in the first hour and a half, then water. I am driving and I am confident that this amount of wine will not put me anywhere near the legal driving limit. And, it will be my second chance to prove to my wife that I can control my drinking. Now, for anyone doing math, I saved a 3rd drink within my limits to relax when I get home later Sunday evening.
I am wondering whether I will have to have weekly drinking limits for the rest of my life. One never graduates from AA. Does one ever graduate from moderate drinking, that is to get to a point where it is natural? I don’t need an answer to this question now, or any time soon, I have just been thinking to myself.
My gut feeling is that it will be forever. If that is what it is, I am OK with it. The amount of work I now put into moderate drinking is more work than abstaining, but far less work than last year when I was drinking more and spending a great deal more time planning, buying, hiding and sneaking. Now, that the door has been opened to drink from time to time in front of my wife, the sneaking is even less and will hopefully disappear some day.
This past week went well, with one notable point. I had 2 drinks Monday, Tuesday off, 3 Wednesday, Thursday off, 5 Friday and 5 Saturday, 15 total for the week. The notable was the I REALLY wanted a drink on Sunday. I did not need a bunch, just one beer or a stiff shot of vodka would have been nice. My wife and daughter were out for a few hours and I got some rare weekend time to relax. I would have liked to have had a drink and sat down to watch basketball by myself. The problem was that I had already drank my limit of 15 drinks and 4 days. To have one drink would have broken 2 rules. Yet, I was very tempted. In the end, I opted not to. When my family returned, the urges went away and I was fine.
If it were not for the limits I have imposed on myself, I would have had a drink. I am confident I could have stopped at one or 2, but still didn’t. I also think that because I didn’t want report to the MM group or post on this blog that I failed helped my decision.
I also found that I don’t like finishing my limits by Saturday. That means I can’t drink on Sunday. I prefer to have the option. That means I am better off abstaining Mon-Wed and getting it out of the way.
Well, I had a glass of wine with my wife last night. We were invited to a play with some friends and there was a company sponsored cocktail party first. My wife ordered a glass of wine. I asked her if she would mind if I had one and her response was “if you think you can handle it”. I said yes and had one, she had another and I ordered a soda for my second drink. This is a big step. I can’t tell what she was thinking inside, but she acted like it was no big deal.
I must admit, it felt good to have a drink in public in a social setting. I have not done that in a long time except during my trip to Vegas on business last October. Also, I don’t know why, but I felt more buzzed off of a glass of wine then I do after a shot of vodka. And, I am sure the pour was not more than 5 oz. I am not sure why that is, I seem to have developed a type of immunity to vodka. Obviously, I am joking, but it was strange. However, that is confirmation of the thought I have had that if I could give up vodka and only drink beer and wine, my 15 drinks a week would seem to go a lot further. I hope that make sense.
Now the bad news. Since I wasn’t sure if I would get up the courage to ask her, I also brought some vodka in the car. I wanted a fall back. And, since it was there, I also had 2 shots in the car (after the wine). Now, 3 drinks in 4 hours, is not a lot; however, I am still disappointed in myself for doing it. No one needs to tell me that drinking warm vodka out of the trunk of a car is not normal or healthy. Plus, if I want to train myself to be a moderate drinker, I need to phase that out. Note the use of the word phase out vs, stop. My wife and I are not at the point where I can have 15 drinks a week in front of her. I think that would worry her.
I had 3 drinks on Wednesday, 1 on Thursday, 4 on Friday and 7 on Saturday. 1 over for Saturday but right on my weekly limit of 15.
I remembered another trigger, being sick. I know that makes no sense as when one is sick is not the time to be drinking as it can only slow down recovery, but it is a trigger for me when I can’t sleep. I am in the early stages of bronchitis which I seem to get twice a year religiously. After drinking 5 drinks on Saturday, I went to bed. However, I woke up in the middle of the night coughing and unable to sleep. When I have bronchitis, I go on prednisone which tends to make me irritable and restless. So, I took a shot of vodka and an antihistamine and started to read the paper until I got sleepy. A half hour later it wasn’t working so I took another shot, putting me at 7 for the day, 2 over my limit.
I wasn’t too upset about it as my daily limit has been a challenge since day one. But, Sunday was a rough day. I was still irritable from the prednisone, I hurt my back trimming trees in the back yard and almost killed my wife. No kidding. I was at the top of a 20 foot ladder with a chain saw cutting down a branch that I apparently didn’t tie up to well to control the fall. When it broke, it slammed into my hand almost knocking me off the ladder and sending the chain saw flying through the air. My wife was standing below holding the ladder for me and she ducked but it hit her squarely in the back. Luckily, it was not the blade that hit her, but it was the heavy part of the saw. We both came away bruised and scraped, but no serious injuries.
After cleaning up the yard, I really wanted a drink or two to relax. But, there was a problem with that. Because I drank on Wednesday with the anticipation of taking Sunday off because of my speech tonight, I had only gone dry 2 days and still needed a third. Also, since I had those 2 shots mid-night, I was now already at my limit of 15 for the week. So, if I had even one drink, I would have broken 2 more rules: drinking no more than 4 days in a week and not going over 15. Since, I already went over my daily limit of 5 on Saturday, I just couldn’t do it. Honestly, I never came close for that reason, but I really did want to.
A quick update on where I am going with my wife in regards to my drinking. As you may remember the subject was broached a few weeks ago when she asked me how long I had been sober. I was honest and told her that I had a few drinks and was getting support from the moderation group. Well, maybe not totally honest as I didn’t tell her how much or how long I had been drinking. But, I did tell her I was and shared with her the group moderation suggestions of no more than 4 a day or 14 a week. It was a short conversation and it has not come up since.
We have accepted an invitation to attend a 50th birthday party of a friend that is being held at a winery. When she asked me, I had the chance to tell her that I was fine with going as long as she was fine with me having a little wine. I didn’t, I chickened out. However, when it is time for the party in a few weeks, I will bring it up.
This is really the perfect setting. Ideally, she will say “OK, just be careful” or something like that. I am guessing the party will be 3 hours or so. I will have maybe 2 glasses of wine and that will be the beginning of being able to drink with her and socially again.
Of course there is always the chance she will say that she does not want me to drink. However, the party is for one of her friends. I will only know the birthday boy and his wife. And, it is at a winery. I think I would be in my rights to suggest that she go alone if she does not want me to drink. Stay tuned on this one.
I went dry Monday and Tuesday. I feel good and will probably have a couple tonight.
I am fully aware that I am in the middle of a contradiction. My goal for the week was 12 drinks, I made it, but I drank 6 on Sunday, one over my limit. I had to keep it to 12 as opposed to my weekly limit of 15 because I went 3 over the prior week. So I am back on track. I was dry Mon-Thur, had 2 on Friday, 4 on Sat and 6 on Sun.
I am content with the week. Actually, at this point in my moderation, I think it is very good. Yet, I continue to have a problem with the 5 a day limit. And, the moderation group says that the daily limit for a male should be 4. This reminds me that how far I have to go to feel that I am really a moderate drinker. I really do believe that daily limits and weekly limits are important. For now, I will be content with keeping within my weekly limits. In the past, I would have easily had 15 in a weekend day. So, to consistently keep to within 15 a week, is pretty darn good for now.
This week, I will drink a little differently. I have a big speech coming up next Monday night. It is the next level of a contest, and if I win, I will move to the next level competing against the best speakers in our tri-state area. I can’t drink heavily the weekend before as I have to be at my best. So, this week, I will probably have a few drinks earlier in the week and I will need to take Sunday off.
I have a nervous habit. I rub my left eyebrow repeatedly to the point where there is a little hole in my brow. I googled it and I am not alone. There are actually many people with the same problem. When I was in college, it was pulling my hair out. I would sit there studying and pull one hair after another out of my scalp.
I am certain some of it is related to stress. The more stressed I am, the more I rub my eyebrow. When I was pulling an all nighter in college trying to finish a term paper at the last minute, the hair would almost fly out of my head. As a general rule, I am very restless by nature. I have a very hard time sitting still and relaxing.
I have often wondered whether there was a relationship between these nervous habits and drinking problems. If there is a connection, is there a solution? I know that some doctors prescribe drugs for this type of behavior, but I am not inclined to start experimenting. I have taken enough drugs in my life, both legal and not. I think that drugs like riddlin are often prescribed too early and quickly to kids.
I would be interested in hearing others thoughts on this.
This week I have gone dry Monday through Thursday. Since I went over my 15 a week rule last week by three, I can only have 12 this week to make up the difference. If I don’t make it up this week, I can make it up next week. I have the next round of a speech contest on 4/19 which means I won’t be drinking on Sunday the 18th and will have to go easy on the 17th as well so I am sharp.
I screwed up this past weekend on both the 5 drinks in a day and the 15 in a week limits. Unlike the recent wedding when I planned to go over the day limit and did not feel bad about it. This time, I did not plan, even saw it coming and couldn’t stop it. This time I am disappointed in myself and concerned at my setback.
I had no drinks Mon, Tues or Wed, one on Thurs, 8 on Fri, 1 on Sat, and 8 on Sunday, for a total of 18. On Friday, my wife and daughter went out of town for the night and I went out to dinner and then to a bar to see a band with 6 grammar school friends including my brother.
I thought I would do better. I waited until 7pm to have my first drink which was a good start, but being out at the bar until 12:30am, I lost control somewhere and went over. While disappointed, I still felt I could keep under my 15 a week rule. I had one on Saturday, but could not keep it to 5 on Easter Sunday.
I went to an Easter Egg Hunt on Sunday morning after church. This is not your normal kids Easter Egg Hunt. While there were 30 or 40 kids, there were even more adults and at 11am the bloody mary’s and beers were flowing freely. I broke down and had one beer around noon. Then, I was hosting Easter Dinner at my place and had an additional 7 shots of vodka over the course of about 7 hours. That is not enough to get drunk, but over the limit.
I am very disappointed but will not beat myself up over it too much. I simply need to keep working on it and do better next time.
Next week is my company’s semi-annual conference in Vegas. I have been looking forward to it since out last conference in October of last year. But, I have decided not to go.
There are a number of reasons, but one important one is that I do not have confidence in my ability to drink moderately during the 4 day trip. Those of you that were reading my blog last Fall might remember that my last Vegas trip did not go to well from a drinking perspective. I went way over what my moderation limits are today. So, I decided it would be best for me to skip the trip. I am only required to attend one conference each year. So, although most of the people I work with are going and I feel it would be beneficial, I am going to pass.
It was not an easy decision, although rationally it should have been. This means that my next chance to cut loose for a multi day period will be next October during our next conference, 6 months away. This is a good thing. Perhaps, by the time it comes, I will be more in control than I am today.
In one sense it is a negative that I feel I don’t have enough control over my weekend to go away on a trip alone. However, the positive side to it is that I recognize it.
