Strong urge to drink last night

I rarely drink on Mon, Tues, Wed.  I am committed to a minimum of 3 days dryeach week and those are the days I normally choose as it is the heart of the work week.  I normally don’t even think about drinking nor have cravings.

Last night was different. My wife and daughter were out at a park until 7:30pm.  I usually quit work around 5:30 and then we all get ready for dinner around 6pm.  During those extra 2 hours alone I was really craving a drink.  I think it was the extra time alone, and the breaking of the routine.  I came very close to having a drink several times, but ultimately held off.

I could easily have had one, or even 2 drinks and then took Thurs off for my 3^rd dry day and still had 13 or 14 drinks for Fri, Sat and Sun (one carried over from last week). What I found interesting is why I was able to rationalize holding off.  In AA they talk about thinking the drink through, what will happen after one, will it lead to more, etc.

My rationale was nothing like that.  I figured, what is one drink going to do for me?  Very little.  So, why not save it for another day when I can have 5 or 6 and get an actual buzz.  Also, because I know I have to get 3 dry days in, I like to get that out of the way as soon as possible in the week.  This way, I know I can have a drink any day I want over the next 4.  So, I held off.  Once my family came home, all the urges went away.

Normal drinkers don’t have to go through all of this.  Feel like a drink on Wed eve, have one.  They go through the week drinking when they feel like it, rarely over do it, take dry days without even realizing it, and all is normal.  Oh well, that is not me.  At least I feel good that I can havea craving and not have a drink.  A few years ago, that was not possible, the booze almost always won.

Now, I have 16 drinks to spread over the next 4 days. I will most likely have 1 or 2 tonight as I am only working a couple of hours tomorrow morning before the holiday weekend.

Designated driver was a good thing

An interesting thing happened last Thursday.  My brother, sister, wife, sister in law, and a bunch of my cousins were going out to a club to see my brother in law’s band play.  I really did not want to go.  The reason is that I still did not know if my sister and brother knew I was drinking.

A week before the event I was already stressing out.   I knew I would not drink in front of them.  Would I be able to sneak a drink inside the club?  Would I walk down the street to a deli and down a beer?  Everyone else would be drinking, shouldn’t I also drink?  Plus, there was a 2 drink minimum with the minimum price for anything being 10 bucks.  If I was going to pay 20 bucks plus tip for 2 drinks, it wasn’t going to be club soda.

Then, on the day of the event, my sister asks if I can be the designated driver.  My brother was driving his car there as it seats more than mine.  However, he took Friday off and wanted to have a few drinks.  So, was everyone else. That means, I drive or we all take the train which would be far more expensive and take a lot longer.

Not only was it an easy decision for me to agree to be designated driver, it took away all my stress.  Instantly, it was like a wave of relief came over me.  The stress was gone as I now when into the evening with no intent on drinking whatsoever.  I wasn’t bothered one bit that I would be the only one not drinking.  More on how the actual night went in my next post.

After 2 recent weeks going over my 15 limit by one, last week was my second in a row going under my limit. I ended up with 14.   Mon, Tues, Wed = 0, Thur = 1, Fri = 4, Sat = 5, Sun = 4.  I probably would have had my limit of 5 on Sunday except I had to take my sister to the airport late in the afternoon. So, while I did have one drink in the afternoon, I certainly wasn’t going to drink and drive.  I had 3 more when I got  home.

Going under was a good thing with the 4^th of July weekend coming up.  Now, I can have 16 this week.

The body trained to expect alcohol ?

I am a week behind on my updates.  I was actually somewhat embarrassed to post last week.  That sounds kind of ridiculous as this blog is anonymous; at least I hope it is. 

The week before last I was supposed to go one under my limit of 15 to make up for going one over the prior week.  Well, not only did I not make it, I went one over again.  Again, it was the Sunday that got me.  We had a post ballet recital party (my daughter’s) at our house.  We had 7 adults and a bunch of kids.   Anyway, a party at my place which means I don’t have to drive is usually a good drinking day for me.  I had 4 drinks left in my week limit, but ended up having 6.

That meant I had to go 2 under my weekly 15 to get back on track last week.  And, that is just what I did.  I had 13 for the week.   I am back on my average and can have 15 this week.   I don’t have my daily totals in front of me, but I do remember that I went dry Mon-Thurs which made it pretty easy to stay at 13 for the week.

Recently on the Moderation Management Board someone mentioned that they were told at a recent SMART meeting that people who consistently abstain from drinking several days a week and drink on others often have stronger cravings than those not on a schedule.  The thought was that the body gets trained to think it is going to get alcohol at certain times and expects it.  Then, when one starts, it is tough to stop.

I see the logic in this but not sure I buy into it totally.  For me that would mean very strong cravings every weekend, difficult to control cravings.   While I do look forward to my weekend drinks, I also allow myself to drink on Thursdays if I choose to do so.  However, I often choose not to.   And, when I do, I almost never have more than one or two.   Then, on the weekends, I can drink at any time of the day that I want, yet I choose to almost always wait until later in the day to have that drink.  I guess my point is that while I enjoy drinking on the weekends, I have proved over the last 18 months that I can control it fairly easily.

One drink over limit

Monday = 3 (2 were carry over from prior week), Tues = 0, Wed = 0, Thurs = 0, Fri = 4, Sat = 7, Sun = 4.   Days dry = good. Total of 6 for the week, one over limit, not good.

On Saturday, I had an unusually high # of 7 as my wife and daughter were out of town for the night sleeping at in-laws.  I delayed my first drink until 6pm by doing chores and exercising, then had 7 between 6 and 9:30pm.  Just enough for a good buzz.  I stayed home, relaxed and watched TV. 

Then, on Sunday I kind of blew it. I had 3 drinks between 6 and 8 and should have been done for the night.  However, after putting my daughter to bed, I realized I had one single shot left in one of my water/vodka bottles. Without even thinking, I drank it.  I am not sure why.  I didn’t need it or ever really want it, it was just there.

Anyway, that means I only get 14 this week to get back on track.  I don’t anticipate that being a problem.  I was dry Mon and Tues. Will be dry tonight and probably dry again on Thurs, giving me 4 dry days for the week.  On Friday morning I have basketball early and softball late.  So, Thurs will be a good dry day.

On  Friday softball does not end until around 7:45, then I get a couple of beers with the boys and have plenty left for the weekend.

Counting the drinks and that powerless thing again

This past Wednesday I received notice late in the afternoon that there was a meeting for an upcoming charity golf tournament of which I am on the committee.  This caught me off guard a little as this meeting has often turned into a drink fest.  This has not been the case for me the last few years as it always happens mid week but it has been in the past for me and certainly is for some of the others. 

It caught me off guard a little as I already had a few drinks on Monday and planned to go dry Tues, Wed & Thurs to complete my minimum 3 dry days.  So, I thought to myself “I guess I could have a few drinks on Wed and then take Fri or Sun off”.  Or, I could just not drink. 

The next thing that went through my mind was whether I would be having these conversations with myself for the rest of my life.  Honestly, at this point, I think the answer is yes.  I feel that as soon as I let my guard down and no longer count my drinks and set limits, that is when the heavy drinking will kick back in again and I vow for that not to happen again.

Upon arriving at the meeting, I still was not sure if I was going to drink or not.   However, my brother was there and I still don’t know if he knows that I am drinking.  So, immediately upon seeing him, I made the decision not to drink. 

This was absolutely the right decision.  Not because my brother was there, but because I really had no desire to drink.  Strengthening that position was watching the others who were drinking, 3 of them heavily.  One was slobbering drunk making an ass out of himself, and 2 of the others had 5 or 6 drinks and I could see how their conversations, actions and decisions changed as the night went on.  Fortunately for me I was not the only one not drinking.  When I got there and opened the cooler, I noticed that there was a bunch of O’Doul’s mixed in with the other beers.  And, as it turns out, there were two others in the group drinking O’Doul’s.  That doesn’t happen too often.

Now, here is where the powerless thing comes in again.  If it had not been for my brother being there, I am quite certain I would have had a few drinks, even though I did not want to.  I don’t know why that is.  I didn’t want to drink when I woke up.  I didn’t want to drink when I heard of the meeting.  I didn’t want to drink when I got there.  However, had my brother not been there, I would have.  Is that called powerlessness?

13 drinks for the week

Swamped with work right now, so not much to report except my totals for last week and the month.

Mon=0, Tue=0, Wed=0, Thur=1, Fri=3, Sat=4, Sun=5.  Total for week = 13 with 3 days dry. Even I am amazed that on a holiday weekend, I held it to 13.   The key was waiting until 6pm for that first drink.  I also decided I wanted a few drinks on Monday and allowed myself to carry 2 over.  I ended up having 3 on Monday and since 2 were a carry over, I still have 14 left for the week although I will need to stay dry on Thursday to complete my 3 dry days.

My month totals are below also:

Su	Mo	Tu	We	Th	Fr	Sa	Su	Mo	Tu	We	Th	Fr	Sa	Su
1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10	11	12	13	14	15
5	0	0	0	3	3	4	5	0	0	4	0	3	5	3
Mo	Tu	We	Th	Fr	Sa	Su	Mo	Tu	We	Th	Fr	Sa	Su	Mo	Tu
16	17	18	19	20	#	22	23	24	25	26	27	28	29	30	31
1	1	1	1	3	5	5	0	0	0	1	3	4	5	3	0

 If it is not clear, the middle row is the date and the bottom row is the # of drinks that day.  It looks much clearer in Excel.