I have been bad

Sorry for not updating this summer.

Honestly, I have slipped.  It started 4^th of July week.  Having the 4^th on a Wed through me off.  I drank on Tuesday since I had Wed off, then we had a BBQ at my house on the 4^th and I drank then as well.  Drinking 2 days during the week when I am usually dry put me over for the week.

Each week since, I have gone over my limit of 15, not by a lot, and not in increasing amounts, but over just the same.  I think there has been simply too much temptation with people visiting from out of town and too many opportunities to go out mid week.  Time and time again, I just said screw it, I am still in control  and “it is summer”.

This past week is the only time I went significantly over.  One of my best friends died this past Friday at the age of 51 from liver failure.  He and I have known each other since we were 7 years old.  He basically drank himself to death.  One might think that would be a cause NOT to drink. But, myself and friends did the opposite and had many toasts to our buddy.

So, there it is. With the funeral coming up and some out of town guest coming, I have pretty much resigned myself to not getting back on track until Labor Day. 

This is not a good thing and I am not  making excuses; however, I can at least say that work is good, my workouts at the gym are good and other than going over my drinking limits and my buddy passing away, all is pretty good.  My drinking has not even come close to my old levels from years back.   But, I know, if I don’t get back on track soon, things will change for the worse.

Surfing the urge

I knew I was behind on postings, but didn’t realize it had been 3 weeks.  Probably the main reason is that I have gone over 2 weeks in a row and didn’t want to admit it.  How much, I can’t say for sure. I have mentioned this before and should have learned from prior mistakes, but the problem is I stopped measuring the drinks.  I have kept mostly to my dry days Mon-Thurs, and kept mostly to 15 drinks a week.  But, when I don’t measure the drinks to 1.5 oz, I can and did go over.  I know because I backtracked after finishing a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka.  After doing the math, I knew I had gone over my 15 per week drink limit. 

 Honestly, I think I knew I was doing it and kept doing it anyway.  Is that a problem? Absolutely.  Is this where I realize that alcohol is trying to sneak back into my life in a bad way?  Maybe, not sure about that.  What I need to do; however, is start measuring again.

 Another thing I noticed is that the cravings to drink on week nights have come back, a little.  I would think that it could be the result of any of the following:

- result of the extra drinking on the weekends.

- summer time

- or because I have been working out less

- or a combination of all 3

 What I mean by the working out less is that after working out 6 days a week including 3 days of basketball for a long time, my body became run down and I had several nagging injuries that wouldn’t go away.  So, I took 4 days off one week and then 3 the next, all mid week. When I don’t have to get up at 5am to exercise, it is easier to say, what the heck,  I will have a drink.

 The good news is that except on one occasion, I have not acted on it thanks to things I have learned in the past. The first is one I have mentioned many times, I eat a lot, more than usual anyway. It works almost every time that when my stomach gets full, I lose the urge to drink.  The other way around the urge works in combination with the first, and that is to “surf the urge”.  People in AA and Moderation Management talk about this often.  In AA, when you have an urge to drink, you call someone.  The thought is that urges pass over time, sometimes it takes minutes or it can be hours.  You just have to get through a short period and it tends to go away.  For me, rather than call someone, I eat. The combination works well and an hour later, I have lost the urge to drink and am very glad I did not succumb. 

 Anyway, that is my update.  Tough week coming up with the 4^th and all.

How much does that vodka “really” affect me

2 weeks behind again but all is well, kind of.  I did go over a bit on Memorial Day weekend, by about 4 drinks (19).  However, I am not going to beat myself up over it.  I think that most people who drink will drink more during a 3 day weekend than a 2 day weekend. 

If I should be alarmed at anything is that I had planned not to drink on Memorial Day and I did. I had already had 15 drinks on Fri, Sat and Sun. And, I know that a 4^th day of drinking in a row would have affected my work on Tuesday.  However, a friend came over for the day with partner and son and we all ended up having a bunch of beers in my back yard. I guess the good news is that this all happened earlier in the day, between 1 and 4pm. And, I was able to stop drinking when the left.

 The rest of my “program” over the last 2 weeks has been on schedule with no drinking Mon-Thurs and 15 on the weekends.

 I was in Manhattan recently on a business appointment and I noticed a number of business people drinking over lunch.  That is something I don’t see much of these days, so it caught my eye.   It made me think about something.  I have always had this feeling that I have a very high tolerance to alcohol (see prior posts if you can find them regarding how people process alcohol differently).  Yet, I cannot drink while working.  What I mean by that is even a little bit, like a 3 oz glass of wine throws off my whole day. I have trouble concentrating and focusing after putting any alcohol in my system. 

 Yet, when I am not working, I can drink 8 vodka drinks in 2 hours and hardly feel anything.    Really?  The lesson to me is that I may not feel like those vodka drinks are affecting me; however, if 3 oz of wine can throw off a whole work day, the vodka is probably doing a lot more damage than I realize.

The Stop button

Many of the problem drinkers/alcoholics (still don’t know where the line is drawn) I have met say that their biggest problem is not having an off switch.  After that first drink, it is off to the races and they can’t stop.   While I can’t say that has never been a problem for me, it has not been a big problem.  My problem was not being able to go a day without booze, even if it was one or two drinks.

 Yesterday, I had a late business meeting that ended around 6:30pm.  I was with 2 partners from my organization and we all decided to stop for a beer after the meeting to discuss how it went.  I rarely drink on Thursdays, but this felt like a perfectly good reason to make an exception.  I am happy to say that my off button worked just fine. After one beer, I had no desire for another.  It helped that none of us had a second, but I can honestly say that had my associates ordered a second, I would have declined.

 Then, I had to deal with the walk through the train station and the train ride. This used to be a huge problem for me. Night after night I would say that I was not going to drink, yet “every” night I picked up a beer, usually a 24 oz. Last night, I had absolutely no interest in a beer for the train.  One and I was done for the night.  Even with plenty of wine, beer and vodka in the house, I had no interest.  Of course it also helped that I had basketball at 5:30am, but hey, whatever works.

Busy is a good thing to keep the drinking low

Sorry for the gap in my posts.  I expanded my business by purchasing a new franchise territory as of May 1st.  What this means for me right now is a lot of extra work.  Hopefully, it will pay off financially down the road.

On top of that, if you have read any of my recent posts, I have been competing in a speech contest.  The last round was this past Saturday night where I presented in front of 300 people.  I did not win but it was an awesome experience.

The other good news is that both expanding the business and practicing for the speech has kept my drinking low.  I have been sticking with my dry days Mon-Thurs.  This past week leading up the contest, I added Friday as well and did not have my first drink of the week until after 9pm on Saturday night.  I felt I needed to stay dry to prepare for the contest.   I think 6 days dry in a row accomplished that (sun-sat).  It sure was good to have a stiff shot of vodka after the contest though.  I was well under my 15 max for the week.

I can tell you those 6 dry days really felt good.  It just proves that even 15 drinks a week can affect you.  Some will of course say, “then why drink at all?”.  My answer is that I also enjoy drinking and I think that 15 drinks is a good balance between the 2.

For the other weeks that I missed reporting on, I was right at my maximums of 15 drinks for the week.

Excuses NOT to drink

I can come up with a million reasons to drink. One of the ways to counteract that is to have as many as possible reasons not to drink.  I have discussed this many times. 

 Some of my reasons for not drinking are to be a responsible parent and husband and to be a responsible business owner.  However, it is the more specific activities that help week after week.   As of now, those are: basketball, softball, public speaking, important business appointments and any time I have to drive somewhere.  I need to make sure I have a constant stream of these activities scheduled each week to give me enough excuses not to drink, especially on the weekends.

 This past weekend I ended up with 12 drinks, 3 under my 15 max. The reason was because I had a very important speech contest last night (Mon).  Not only did I need a clear head to practice on Sunday, I needed to be at my best come speech time.  So, my normal 5 or 6 Sunday drinks did not fit into my schedule.

 As it turns out, I had 3 on Sunday, all after 5pm when I was done practicing, but still too many.  I will admit, yesterday (Sun) was a tough day. The drinking urges were very strong, but the desire to do well in the contest was stronger.  I decided to give myself a reward, however, and allow myself to have the 3 drinks I was under last week after the speech contest last night. 

 I won the contest and had the drinks. I enjoyed them and felt I earned them. For the record, I know this is cheating, but I am counting them for last week.  Again, I think I earned it.

 The real good news is that winning the contest gave me another reason not to drink, that is the next contest.  At the next level, I will be delivering the speech to over 300 people in May.  Since the next contest is on a Saturday, I plan to not drink Mon-Sat, or at least until after the speech on Sat.  I will need to be at my best, and that means no alcohol.

A busy schedule keeps the booze away

Sorry I missed my update last week.  The week before last I went over by 2.  Easter Sunday is what got me. I thought I planned accordingly, but still went over.

 It started with an annual Easter Egg Hunt/picnic for family and friends at 11am. This is not your typical city or recreation Easter Egg Hunt.  It is complete with Bloody Mary’s and beer. Then, I cooked dinner for 14 family members at my house.  I had 2 drinks at the picnic, then took a couple of hours off, but still ended up having 7 before the day was over.  That put me at 17 for the week, 2 over my 15 limit.

 Last week I ended up at 15 with 4 dry days.  What made it easier was that I had softball practice at 6:30pm on Sunday night.  Typically, I would have had a handful of drinks by 6:30 on Sunday night.  However, because of softball, I waited until after practice to have a few drinks.

 This week I think I will be at or under 15.  I went dry Mon and Tues but had a drink last night.  Why?  Well, I have many excuses. The one I used last night was that I enjoyed a beer to wind down after giving a speech.  I gave a speech at 8pm.  Speeches always get me nervous, excited, and edgy so I had a beer with dinner when I got home.

 Next Monday night I am at the 3^rd level of a speech contest.  Therefore, I plan to go dry on Sunday so that I am at my best on Monday.  This should make it easy to keep within my limits.

 One would think that family and job would be enough to not drink, but having things like basketball, softball and speech contest help quite a bit.

 

Alcohol and Basketball do not mix

Last week was fine.  4 days dry, then 15 spread out over Fri, Sat, Sun.

Something interesting happened though on Saturday morning while at the gym. I ran into one of the guys I play basketball with and he told me that he plays in a league at 6:30am on Sat mornings.   My first thought to myself was “wow, I could never do that, I drink on Friday nights”. 

First of all, I could not do it, or would not want as I already play on Thursday and Friday mornings.  A 3^rd day would be too much on my body and I like to vary my workouts anyway.  However, that was not my first thought.  The first thought was that it would conflict with my drinking.  Now, if I was 30, I could have 5 drinks on a Friday night and get up and play basketball early, but not at 50. 

Basketball is one of the things that makes it rather easy to stay dry during the week. Before I started playing on Friday mornings, I used to have one or two on Thursday nights. Now I stay dry so I am ready to run on the basketball court at 5:30am on Friday mornings.

Anyway, this was just a reminder that I do have a problem with alcohol.

So far this week, dry Mon & Tues. Will do the same tonight and Thurs.  I have to save up as it is a holiday weekend.  I am cooking for 25 people on Easter Sunday.

Beer and wine get me more buzzed than vodka

15 drinks last week, 3 days dry. Only 3 days dry because I had a single drink on Monday night of last week.  Unfortunately, I can’t remember why.  I do need to remember to document these things.  Anyway, no big deal, I am only committed to 3 dry days a week but usually do 4 anyway.  Also, a “onesie” (having only one drink in a night) is considered to be an accomplishment by some in Moderation Management.

Although I stayed within my limits, I am not thrilled. I should have been under.  Why? 2 reasons,  I continue to have a problem with Sundays and I continue to have 15 each week when it should be only a limit, not a goal.

On Friday, when work ended, I decided to go pick up some vodka since I was out and my wife and daughter were having dinner at a friend’s house.  However, my car battery wouldn’t start.  Hmmmm, my wife left the keys in the car with the ignition on, mistake or planned?  Anyway, I could have rode my bicycle since it was nice out, but opted to stay home and limit myself to wine and beer which I had plenty of.  Result, I had 3 beers and one glass of wine.  Interestingly, I felt more buzzed than if I had my usual 4 vodkas and one glass of wine. Why is it that vodka does not seem to get me buzzed unless I drink a lot of it?  I guess I should drink more beer and wine and less vodka.  However, that is tougher to hide.

I had 5 on Saturday for a 2 day total of 10.  Having 3 or 4 drinks on Sun to end up at 13 or 14 should have been easy. But nooooo, I had 5 on Sunday to get to my 15.

Oh well, should be dry Mon-Thurs this week and we’ll see how the weekend goes.

Some want me to fail

I believe that there are some reading this blog that want me to fail at moderating.  I don’t think they want me to fail in a malicious or harmful way. I think that they don’t believe that there is any chance of a problem drinker moderating.  They think that I am doomed to failure and it is only a matter of time before I relapse to my old ways.  Thus, they are waiting and wishing that I will fail so they can prove themselves right.

This is not everyone, just a few.   A minority I hope.  I truly believe that some of my long time blog friends like ITSB, Al K and Bats all want me to truly succeed.  I just thought about it now, but it is interesting that the 4 of us were all drinking when we met a few years ago.  Now, it is just me.  Who knows, I may join you all someday. 

The week before last, I went 4 drinks over my limit of 15.  I recognize this has happened a few times in the last 6 months, far more than my first 2 years of moderating.  That is why I have not updated my blog for 2 weeks.  I did not want to give fodder to those who think I am doomed to failure.  I guess I also did not want to admit that I had failed for the week.

So, I waited.  Luckily for me last week went as planned.  I was back on track with my usual 4 dry days and 15 for the week.  I feel better now.  However, I know I have to be careful not to slip back to my old ways.  I can’t even remember why it happened 2 weeks ago that I went over.  I should probably be documenting these slips so I can learn from them.  But, I honestly don’t remember.

This week I am also on track having gone dry Mon & Tues.  I plan to stay dry until Friday completing 4 dry days.  The killer for me has been Sundays and I am not sure why.  I usually plan so that I can have 3 or 4 drinks for the day but often end up having around 6. They are usually spread out over 6 hours so I am never drunk, but too many is too many no matter how long it takes to drink them.

 I am optimistic about this week and going forward.  I am lucky in that this Sunday I have to drive to my in-laws for a birthday party on about an hour away. That means my drinking will be limited to a couple until I get home and that will probably not be until around 7pm which will curtail my drinking for the day.

Thanks to all who support me !