Obsessing about alcohol

I did not post after last weekend as I did not have much to say.  I can say the same about last weekend.

And, that is a good thing.  Someone posted a comment about obsessing about alcohol and it really brought me back to my dark days.  It seemed like thoughts around alcohol consumed most of my day.  Start the morning with a hangover, stress over whether I can get through a day without drinking for a change, oh shit, that won’t work, can I go without vodka and stick to wine and/or beer, maybe just a ½ pint or pint of vodka, will my wife know I am drinking, where can I hide it, what is going on tomorrow that a hangover can screw up, what are others drinking, who is watching me, should I get help ….. Shit, it never stopped.

I can say today, that while I still think about alcohol often, it is much less than those dark days.  For instance, since I rarely drink Mon-Thurs, I rarely think about alcohol on those days.  On the weekends I do, but since my drinking is much more in control than it used to be, it is much better.

Since March was a 5 weekend month, I knew it would be a little tough to get by on a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka. And, I did run out with a weekend to go.  I had a little left over after last weekend; however, I had a tooth pulled Monday morning and finished it Monday night to ease the pain a bit.

My plan is to go the weekend without vodka.  However, I have not completely ruled out the idea of buying April’s bottle a little early.  My rationale is that this bottle would still have to last until May 1.  So, it is not like I am buying and drinking more, it is the same.  Instead of making one bottle last for 5 weekends and another for 4, I am just averaging it out.  There I go thinking about alcohol again ….

I’m back …………….

I’m back.  Sorry for disappearing without explanation.  Honestly, I think I just got tired of the counting drinks.  Funny, many people have questioned why I go to all the work.  Most or all of these people think that it is just easier to quit and that is what I should do.  But, I don’t want to.  I do admit, however, that the counting and all the stress of monitoring my drinking did get to me.   Thus, I took a break from posting.  I never intended for it to last 5 months, but it did.

 What many of you want to know is “how was my drinking during that time?”.  I can honestly say that I am sure that I went over my 15 drinks a week a number of weeks, but far from all.  The worst drinking was over a 2 week stretch of the Christmas holiday.  BMy drinking never came close to the point it was during my big drinking days, not even over the Christmas holiday.  I wish I could say that those days are over and I had no desire to drink more than I did.  The truth is some days I did and some days I didn’t, but the one thing that always seems to keep me from going overboard is the fear of having someone in my family, primarily my wife, see me drunk and suggest I stop again.

 When I went over the edge about 4 years ago, I got to a point where I could not stop.  I could not go one single day without at least one drink.  I never came close to that this time.  I remember when I was getting ready to ask for help (this phase lasted over a year), I was scared to death of thought of quitting, either for a short period of time or permanently.   As this January came around, I headed into my annual 4 weeks of sobriety.  I think this is my 4^th or 5^th year not drinking for 4 weeks in January.  This year, as in past years, I did not fear it at all.  I did not dread it at all.  I really looked forward to it.  Why?  One, because I felt I needed it from drinking too much in December.  Two, because I think it helps me mentally to know that I can do it on my own.  And, three, just because I start each year with a health kick that always includes some dietary change that I won’t waste blog time with.

 This year my goal was to go from Jan 2^nd to Jan 31^st.  Well, I already blew it, but don’t feel guilty at all.  I blew it because my wife and I were invited to a friend’s birthday celebration at a very expensive restaurant.  When I first told my wife that I would not break my dry spell, even she said I was crazy.  Crazy because there was going to be very good wine, the kind that we cannot regularly afford.  So, with my wife’s blessing and encouragement, I went off the dry train for one day and picked up the next day. 

 Other than the birthday party, the dry train has been very, very easy.  I will admit to having a few small cravings on a recent Friday night, but that passed with food.   And, on the weeknights, I have had absolutely no cravings at all.

 I don’t feel guilty for the one night as I was not looking for excuses to drink.  If I were, I could have found many.   While I was on day 3, I met a bunch of high school friends at a restaurant for a few drinks.  I think they were all still in holiday mode as the drinks were consumed in large quantities.  I stayed for 2 hours and drank nothing but water and it felt good.

 Now, what happens after 1/31.  Well, I haven’t quite figured it out yet.  However, I am thinking of a new  plan, something different from counting out 15 drinks a week.  One with a little less work, but also riskier.  My current plan in draft stage is to buy one 1.75 liter of vodka at the beginning of every month.  By my calculations that comes out to just over 9 drinks each week.  Considering, I really do not drink that much beer and wine (actually very little beer), I think I can be safe in saying I can have as much beer and wine as I want, but will not buy any more vodka if I run out.

Now, I know many of you are thinking that this could backfire in a huge way.  However, I really don’t drink that much beer and wine, primarily because I almost always drink beer and wine in front of my wife.  They are not like vodka where I can easily drink a 3 oz shot in the basement by myself.   I don’t run to the basement and chug a glass or 2 of wine.  I don’t hide the wine and beer.  So, that would leave me about 6 beer and wine drinks for the weekends (to add up to 15 total after the 9 vodkas), which is more than I normally drink.  I don’t usually drink Mon-Thurs.

 This plan would reduce the stress of counting while still having controls in place.  So, that is where I am at now.  I know many of you are thinking, that if I am really enjoying a sober January, why not just keep going?  Well, because I like to drink. Others of you are thinking “well, the plan sounds risky, but it might work if you buy a liter of vodka each month, instead of the 1.75”. Still others may think, why not just cut out the vodka all together and just stick with the beer and wine. Well, these are probably things I SHOULD do, and may do down the road. I am just not ready yet.

A busy schedule keeps the booze away

Sorry I missed my update last week.  The week before last I went over by 2.  Easter Sunday is what got me. I thought I planned accordingly, but still went over.

 It started with an annual Easter Egg Hunt/picnic for family and friends at 11am. This is not your typical city or recreation Easter Egg Hunt.  It is complete with Bloody Mary’s and beer. Then, I cooked dinner for 14 family members at my house.  I had 2 drinks at the picnic, then took a couple of hours off, but still ended up having 7 before the day was over.  That put me at 17 for the week, 2 over my 15 limit.

 Last week I ended up at 15 with 4 dry days.  What made it easier was that I had softball practice at 6:30pm on Sunday night.  Typically, I would have had a handful of drinks by 6:30 on Sunday night.  However, because of softball, I waited until after practice to have a few drinks.

 This week I think I will be at or under 15.  I went dry Mon and Tues but had a drink last night.  Why?  Well, I have many excuses. The one I used last night was that I enjoyed a beer to wind down after giving a speech.  I gave a speech at 8pm.  Speeches always get me nervous, excited, and edgy so I had a beer with dinner when I got home.

 Next Monday night I am at the 3^rd level of a speech contest.  Therefore, I plan to go dry on Sunday so that I am at my best on Monday.  This should make it easy to keep within my limits.

 One would think that family and job would be enough to not drink, but having things like basketball, softball and speech contest help quite a bit.

 

Gotta stop that early drink

Last week I went one over at 16.  Darn Sunday got me again.  I was dry Mon-Thurs (my usual), had 5 on Fri, 6 on Sat and 5 on Sun.   All I had to do was limit myself to 4 drinks on Sunday and I would have been right on plan. 

What happened?  I had my first drink too early.  My family and a couple of others were walking from my house to town where there was an outside holiday event going on.  For some stupid reason, I decided to have a drink before leaving around noon.  I almost never drink that early and it was a stupid thing to do.  I had another one with a buddy when we got home around 2pm.  Then, I had another 3 spread out over the rest of the day.  5 drinks over 8 hours by itself is no big deal, but I did go over my limit.

I am a little worried about the holidays coming up as I have been slipping as of late.  Looking forward to that 30 days dry in January.

I still need to count and measure

I’ve been slacking off and did not update last week.  I did finish the week on schedule at 15 total drinks and 3 days dry.  I don’t remember the actual numbers, but I have fallen into a pattern of dry Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, and roughly 5 each on Fri, Sat and Sun.

Last week, however, I went over, but I am not sure how much, not a ton, but definitely over.  I had a high school friend visiting from California and there was a big high school football game with tailgating etc.   I decided at the beginning of the week that I would not bother counting.  I did not give myself a pass to go over my limits.  I simply said I would not count and just kind of hoped I would be ok around my limits.  I wasn’t. 

I was dry Mon, Tues, Wed, had one on Thursday, then stopped counting for the weekend.  Another lesson learned.  I need to count and measure my drinks; otherwise, I will drink more than my limits which is the same as saying I will drink more than I should.

I expect to be back on track this week.  Dry last night (Mon), expect to go dry Tues, Wed & Thurs and then no more than 15 on the weekend.

Did I really need 4 drinks on Sunday night?

Summary for the week.  Mon, Tues Wed = 0.  Thurs = 1, Fri = 5, Sat = 5, Sun = 4.

I should have ended under my weekly limit of 15 for the week.  4 drinks on a Sunday is a typical Sun for me.  However, on this particular Sunday, I drove the family about an hour away to go apple picking with a couple of other families.  This was certainly not a drinking event and I had to drive an hour home, so drinking never entered my mind.  However, when I got home around 6pm, I was really craving a drink. I immediately had a double shot of vodka, a beer with dinner and another shot a little before bedtime around 9, 4 drinks in 3 hours.  My wife, on the other hand, who clearly does not have a drinking problem, had one beer with dinner and that was it. 

While 4 drinks in 3 hours is not much to get me too buzzed, did I really need 4?  I think one shot when I got home and one beer with dinner should have been plenty.  I think it has something to do with the fact that I treat my limit of 15 as a number that I can’t go over, but almost always reach.  It should be a limit and not a goal. I mean I shouldn’t have to have 15 every week but I almost always seem to get there.

Oh, well, I am ok living with that for now. I stayed within my limits of 15 drinks and 3 dry days for the week.

I suspect I will go over my limits next week as there is a big high school football game going on, one of my best buddies from high school is visiting from California, and there will be lots of parties.  Depending on how this week plays out, I may go under so that I can have a few extra next week.  Maybe something like 14 this week, 17 next and 14 the week after, keeping my average at 15 for the 3 weeks and keeping my 3 dry days per week.  Just a thought for now.  So far this week, dry Mon and will be dry tonight and tomorrow.

7 drinks for my 50th bday

Last week’s tally: Mon, Tues, Wed = 0. Thurs = 1, Fri = 4, Sat = 7, Sun = 3.  15 for the week with 3 dry days, right on schedule.

On Sunday I turned 50 and we had my brother, sister-in-law, nephew and one high school buddy of mine over for dinner.  The original plan was to go out to dinner but I felt that I deserved a buzz for my 50^th and my wife is not a good driver at night (or any time actually).  And, since I wasn’t about to drink and drive, I made the decision to cook dinner at home.  Of course, I didn’t tell my wife that I didn’t want to go out because I wanted to get a buzz, but that was the real reason. 

I chose staying home even though I also had to cook dinner (my wife is not much of a cook).  The cooking dinner thing actually worked in my favor any way.  Having excuses to go back and forth from the dining room to the kitchen allowed me to drink a little extra.   So, I had 2 glasses of wine and a glass of champagne in front of everyone and 4 shots of vodka in hiding.  I had my first drink around 6pm and my last around 9:30 so that comes out to about 2 drinks per hour, with more drinks early than late to kickstart the buzz.  All in all it was just enough for a good buzz and I don’t think anyone suspected I was drinking in private.

This was a big night as it was the first time that I drank in front of my brother and his wife since checking into detox 3 years ago.  I knew they knew I was drinking, but we never spoke of it.  I am sure my wife told them. Anyway, I was a little nervous at first, but got over it after a while and before long it was like old times, except that I drank less.

I am not sure if it is good or bad when I make evening decisions based on drinking.  However, the way I look at it, it is better than the alternative which would have been drinking and driving.

Back on course

Last week was right on track, 15 drinks, 3 dry days.  Mon, Tues, Wed = 0. Thurs = 1, Fri = 5, Sat = 4, Sun = 5.

My cravings this week were a bit stronger, thus staying within my limits was tougher.  I guess it is because I had gone over my limits at the end of August.   However, I fought off the urges and stayed on track.  It reminds me of how easy it can be to get off course and slip back into the old ways.

I have also been thinking more that I should actually drink more on Thursday and less on Sunday.  Why you ask?  Well, even though 5 drinks on a Sunday spread out over many hours does not give me a huge buzz, the combination  of 15 drinks over 3 days (which is what I often do) does have after effects on Monday morning.  I am not what you would traditionally call hung over, but I can certainly feel the difference. 

I know that the thing to do is just have 2 drinks on Sunday and keep my drinking to 12 drinks instead of 15, but I am not ready to do that yet.  So, I am thinking that if I drank 12 or 13 drinks before Sunday and only left myself 2 or 3 for Sunday, I would feel better on Monday morning.  Anyway, those are just thoughts for now.  I am still content as long as I stay under 15 for the week.

Responsible Drinking

So far this week has been normal.  Dry Mon, Tues & Wed.  I had a couple last night. 

Last night was interesting.  I went out with 3 high school buddies for drinks.  I had 2 beers and switched to water.  2 of my other friends did the same. I noticed the other was on his 4^th beer when I asked him how he was getting home.  He told me that his wife dropped him off and he was taking a cab home.  I left after 2 hours.  Many people would not be happy with drinking 2 beers and driving home. Sorry, but I make no apologies.  I was legal.  I had a good time and I drank responsibly.  So, did my friends.  I guess we are all older and wiser now.

Note that hurricane permitting; I am going on vacation for 4 days next week.  I am not going to count my drinks.  I trust myself enough to believe I will not go overboard.  I only need to read back in my own blog for some prior August entries to see what can happen.  I need a vacation and I need a vacation from counting drinks.

My next update will be at least a week away.

 

Beer and the beach, a great combination

Mon, Tues, Wed = 0, Thur = 1, Fri = 4, Sat = 8, Sun = 3. 16 for the week, one over my limit.  Maybe I should be concerned as that is the second time in 3 weeks I went over, but I am not.   Why? My average for the 3 weeks of August is still exactly 15.  I was 4 under the week before.

Saturday was an interesting day and the reason I went over, notice the 8 above.  One day a year, I get a break from the family and work to go to the beach by myself, about an hour away.  This past Saturday was that day.  I got to the beach at 9am, already getting pretty crowded by the water.  I had my first drink at 9am.  Yup, that is right, 9am, and it felt good.  I wasn’t sure when I was going to start. But, as soon as I unpacked, I saw others drinking around me and said “what the heck”.

The challenge for the day was drinking enough to relax but not over the limit to drive home.  Some of you may be alarmed by this.  I was at the beach for 9 hours, a real full day.  I brought exactly 6 drinks with me so I would not over drink.   I had one every hour on the hour until all were gone.  That means my last drink was at 2pm.  I left at 6:15pm, over 4 hours later.  So, 6 drinks in 9 hours and none for the last 4.  I am sure I was ok to drive.  BAC was probably zero or close to it.

I will admit, however, I wanted more.  Spreading out the drinks so much meant I never got a buzz.  Having it do to all over again, I am thinking maybe I would have drank all 6 between 9 and 12 and then went dry for 6 hours.  Oh, well, it is over and it was still a very enjoyable day.

What made the cravings more so was that the place I was at was like a big party, music, a little dancing, games, girls a really fun spot. Oh, and did I mention everyone is naked?  Yes, a clothing optional beach.  And, no, that is the one part my wife does not know about.  Unfortunately, I know my wife would never go with me. I wish she would.  It really feels great to walk and swim naked for a day.  All types of people go, all ages, all sizes, even families with kids.   Many would be surprised to see how many beautiful girls were there, some alone, some with groups, all walking and swimming naked.  A really great and relaxing place.

I am very lucky that buying more booze was not an option. The clothing optional beach is a long walk from any public facilities, about a 15 minute walk, at least.  There was a point in the afternoon that I thought about walking for another drink, but that would have been ridiculous.  A half hour walk round trip for a beer, and the buzz would have been lost on the walk back.  So, of course I didn’t.

I got home, completely sober of course, just in time to have a late dinner with the family. Then, I had 2 drinks before bed, one before and after walking the dog.

So, if it wasn’t for Saturday’s 8, I would have easily stayed under or at my limit.   I can’t wait until my beach day next year. Actually, I may try to figure out how to get another in September.