New Plan Doomed Already

No, I have not gone off the deep end.  And my drinking in February has been normal, well as normal as it can be for a problem drinker.  The problem is that when I laid out my new plan of sticking to one 1.75 liter of vodka a month, I forgot I was going on vacation next week.

I guess had I factored this in at the beginning fo the month, I COULD have stretched the 1.75 out to still make my plan work, but I honestly forgot. And, also honestly, I doubt very much I would have done it anyway.  I don’t vacation often and like to drink a little extra when I do. 

I have no plans of going on a drinking binge as I will be with my wife, daughter, and another couple and their 2 kids in a small house.  And, we are going skiing which means I will easily be able to delay my drinking until later in the day, something I find very difficult to do when vacationing on a beach.

When I was younger and single, skiing would mean a beer or 2 and or one or 2 shots of 100 proof schnapps before ever taking my first ski run, and then drinking from the boda bag throughout the day. Those days are over.   This time it will be about fresh air, exercise and teaching my 8 year old daughter how to ski for the first time.

So, I will restart my 1.75 liter plan in March which will be a challenge in itself as it is a 5 weekend month.

Back on track, sort of

I had committed to going under for a couple of weeks after admittedly going off plan for a good part of the summer (see last post). The first week back was easy (2 weeks ago).  I did drink on a Wednesday which is very rare for me, but I had a work dinner function.  I did not even try to abstain; I enjoyed 3 glasses of wine over a 3 hour period and was fine with it.  The good news was that even with my mid week drinking I kept my weekly total to 11.  I had 5 on Friday, 3 on Saturday and 0 on Sunday.  It was easy because I did not pick up any vodka and just stuck with wine and beer.  The interesting part was that I had 5 beers on Friday night at a Yankee game.  5 beers over a 3 hour period is not a ton.  But, for some reason, because it was beer instead of my usual vodka, I was much more buzzed than I would have thought, not overly buzzed, but still I was surprised.  For me, there is definitely a difference between beer and vodka, even when drinking the same amount of alcohol.

Then, last week I broke down on Saturday night and picked up Vodka.  I ended up the week right at my limit of 15, which is honestly not good as I had planned to go under for a couple of weeks.  So, in essence I failed.  I think I had 4 on Friday, 6 on Saturday and 5 on Sunday.  This week I am back on schedule, dry Mon, Tues and tonight.  5:30am basketball is back in full force 3 days a week and our league starts in November, so it is time to step it up and get ready. That will help keep my drinking down.   Until next week …..

 

Beer and wine get me more buzzed than vodka

15 drinks last week, 3 days dry. Only 3 days dry because I had a single drink on Monday night of last week.  Unfortunately, I can’t remember why.  I do need to remember to document these things.  Anyway, no big deal, I am only committed to 3 dry days a week but usually do 4 anyway.  Also, a “onesie” (having only one drink in a night) is considered to be an accomplishment by some in Moderation Management.

Although I stayed within my limits, I am not thrilled. I should have been under.  Why? 2 reasons,  I continue to have a problem with Sundays and I continue to have 15 each week when it should be only a limit, not a goal.

On Friday, when work ended, I decided to go pick up some vodka since I was out and my wife and daughter were having dinner at a friend’s house.  However, my car battery wouldn’t start.  Hmmmm, my wife left the keys in the car with the ignition on, mistake or planned?  Anyway, I could have rode my bicycle since it was nice out, but opted to stay home and limit myself to wine and beer which I had plenty of.  Result, I had 3 beers and one glass of wine.  Interestingly, I felt more buzzed than if I had my usual 4 vodkas and one glass of wine. Why is it that vodka does not seem to get me buzzed unless I drink a lot of it?  I guess I should drink more beer and wine and less vodka.  However, that is tougher to hide.

I had 5 on Saturday for a 2 day total of 10.  Having 3 or 4 drinks on Sun to end up at 13 or 14 should have been easy. But nooooo, I had 5 on Sunday to get to my 15.

Oh well, should be dry Mon-Thurs this week and we’ll see how the weekend goes.

Counting & Measuring v2

OK, I am still having a problem with the counting and measuring.  Below is a post I put on the MM board today.  At least I am aware of the potential problem and can head if off before getting worse.  But, I admit to myself and my blog that I have strayed off the good path that I was on, not too much, but enough to realize I need to get back on track.

This January will be 2 years of mostly successful moderation for me.  MOP is dry at least 3, usually 4 days a week and no more than 15 drinks in a week.  It has gone well by my standards.  The key has been getting my dry days in and counting and measuring my drinks.  A few weeks ago, I was feeling good enough about my drinking that I stopped the counting and measuring and just kind of winged it.   I have kept 4 dry days each of these weeks.

 It hasn’t gone well.  While I did not even come close to slipping back to my old ways, I certainly have gone over my limits.  I can’t say how much as I have not been counting, but I know that I have.  And, my cravings are getting stronger.

 I remember when I was in AA they often talked of how the disease lays in wait until it has a chance to slip in and take over.  I can’t help but feel that is what has been happening to me.  I lured myself into complacency, and the problem drinking is trying to come back into my life.

 I had always hoped that after a few years I could train myself to become a normal moderate drinker.  That is, someone who just drinks a normal, safe amount without thinking about it.  I now feel that that may never happen.  I have a problem with alcohol.  I can control it with the help of MM and other tools, but I will always have to be on guard.

 So, the 1 ½ oz measuring cup is back out and I will be counting carefully to get back on track. 

 

 

Responsible Drinking

So far this week has been normal.  Dry Mon, Tues & Wed.  I had a couple last night. 

Last night was interesting.  I went out with 3 high school buddies for drinks.  I had 2 beers and switched to water.  2 of my other friends did the same. I noticed the other was on his 4^th beer when I asked him how he was getting home.  He told me that his wife dropped him off and he was taking a cab home.  I left after 2 hours.  Many people would not be happy with drinking 2 beers and driving home. Sorry, but I make no apologies.  I was legal.  I had a good time and I drank responsibly.  So, did my friends.  I guess we are all older and wiser now.

Note that hurricane permitting; I am going on vacation for 4 days next week.  I am not going to count my drinks.  I trust myself enough to believe I will not go overboard.  I only need to read back in my own blog for some prior August entries to see what can happen.  I need a vacation and I need a vacation from counting drinks.

My next update will be at least a week away.

 

Beer and the beach, a great combination

Mon, Tues, Wed = 0, Thur = 1, Fri = 4, Sat = 8, Sun = 3. 16 for the week, one over my limit.  Maybe I should be concerned as that is the second time in 3 weeks I went over, but I am not.   Why? My average for the 3 weeks of August is still exactly 15.  I was 4 under the week before.

Saturday was an interesting day and the reason I went over, notice the 8 above.  One day a year, I get a break from the family and work to go to the beach by myself, about an hour away.  This past Saturday was that day.  I got to the beach at 9am, already getting pretty crowded by the water.  I had my first drink at 9am.  Yup, that is right, 9am, and it felt good.  I wasn’t sure when I was going to start. But, as soon as I unpacked, I saw others drinking around me and said “what the heck”.

The challenge for the day was drinking enough to relax but not over the limit to drive home.  Some of you may be alarmed by this.  I was at the beach for 9 hours, a real full day.  I brought exactly 6 drinks with me so I would not over drink.   I had one every hour on the hour until all were gone.  That means my last drink was at 2pm.  I left at 6:15pm, over 4 hours later.  So, 6 drinks in 9 hours and none for the last 4.  I am sure I was ok to drive.  BAC was probably zero or close to it.

I will admit, however, I wanted more.  Spreading out the drinks so much meant I never got a buzz.  Having it do to all over again, I am thinking maybe I would have drank all 6 between 9 and 12 and then went dry for 6 hours.  Oh, well, it is over and it was still a very enjoyable day.

What made the cravings more so was that the place I was at was like a big party, music, a little dancing, games, girls a really fun spot. Oh, and did I mention everyone is naked?  Yes, a clothing optional beach.  And, no, that is the one part my wife does not know about.  Unfortunately, I know my wife would never go with me. I wish she would.  It really feels great to walk and swim naked for a day.  All types of people go, all ages, all sizes, even families with kids.   Many would be surprised to see how many beautiful girls were there, some alone, some with groups, all walking and swimming naked.  A really great and relaxing place.

I am very lucky that buying more booze was not an option. The clothing optional beach is a long walk from any public facilities, about a 15 minute walk, at least.  There was a point in the afternoon that I thought about walking for another drink, but that would have been ridiculous.  A half hour walk round trip for a beer, and the buzz would have been lost on the walk back.  So, of course I didn’t.

I got home, completely sober of course, just in time to have a late dinner with the family. Then, I had 2 drinks before bed, one before and after walking the dog.

So, if it wasn’t for Saturday’s 8, I would have easily stayed under or at my limit.   I can’t wait until my beach day next year. Actually, I may try to figure out how to get another in September.

It’s not the drinking, it’s the thinking …

If you have read any of my blog, you probably know that I use Moderation Management for support for my drinking problem.  MM is not for everyone.  Many enter the program (if you can call it that) and decide later that abstinence is the better route for them.  One member who recently posted to the group that he was leaving MM in favor of MMabsers (a sub of MM for people who choose permanent abs) had this to say “daily drinking or not it matters little. it is not how much one drinks or necessarily how one drinks, but rather what it does to one inside.”

I thought that was very interesting and something I can relate to.  I have said before on this blog that moderation seems so easy today for me when it was near impossible a few years ago.   Well, it is easy compared to failing, but it really has never been easy.  The problem is that it is almost always on my mind. The struggle is still there, not as bad as it used to be, but still there.

On the days that I usually abstain, I rarely think about drinking.  It has become part of my routine to not drink on Mon, Tues, Wed and sometimes Thurs.   But, on the other days, it is on my mind, sometimes a lot.  How much will I drink in any given day, where, what, hiding it form my wife, etc. 

It can all be very tiring.  So much so that I can see why some people just think it is easier to quit.  However, AA wasn’t exactly a piece of cake either.  There were the daily meetings for the first 90 days, then about 5 a week after, the daily calls to my sponsor and then all the extra thinking about drinking that goes in between.  It was a lot of work.  I think the carrot for many is that when/if you get through all 12 steps and follow the program, life can become much better and does for many. 

I was walking my dog recently past one of the churches where I used to attend meetings and I saw a group of AA’ers outside chatting after the meeting.  What I remembered most seeing them was how happy so many of the AA members were.  Not necessarily the people like myself who were new, but those who had been there for years and worked the steps.  It was a good feeling to think that maybe I could get to that point some day.

But, I choose to drink and for now will have to take the good with the bad.   Taking the train home from work used to be a daily torture for me, whether or not to pick up a beer on the way to the train.  Yesterday, after a late meeting I was headed to the train and it was not until after I was passed the last beer stand that I noticed it.  I didn’t stop, had no desire to.  But, I did think back to the days not that long ago when I would have struggled mightily around that time.  Yesterday was a piece of cake.  I have made progress.

11 drinks for the week !!!!

I felt guilty going over by 3 with 18 drinks the week before last.  I don’t feel guilty about having 3 drinks on a Monday which is usually a dry day.  I really felt I needed it with my back pain.  However, I should have had the restraint to go the rest of the week with only 12 to stay within my 15 a week limit.  I didn’t.

 So, I set out to make up for it this week.   Kind of, I should say that I was shooting for a lower number to make up for the 18, but did not commit to it.  Bottom line is that I made it with a total of 11, 4 under my limit.  I started out by going dry Mon, Tues, Wed & Thurs.  This was easy and has become somewhat routine.  However, I will also admit, the main reason that I will often go dry 4 days instead of the minimum 3, is so that I can have more of a buzz on Fri, Sat & Sun.  Whatever the motivation, I am happy that I can abstain from drinking 4 days in a row rather easily. 

 Then, on Fri I had 3, Sat 4 and Sun 4.  Sat was the day that really helped keep my number down.  I had to drive about 30 min to a graduation party with my wife and daughter.  Earlier in the day I put in 4 hours of yard work, mostly gardening and trimming trees, then worked out at the gym for an hour.  I had about an hour and a half when done with my chores to relax before heading to the party.  I was really craving a drink to relax a bit.  However, I didn’t want to have a beer in the middle of the afternoon in front of my wife.  I really did want one, but she never sees me drink early in the day and I didn’t want her mind wandering.   And, although a shot of vodka might have felt ok, I thought about it a bit and just decided I really didn’t need it that much.  What was one warm shot of vodka going to do for me anyway, not much.  At least a cold beer would have been refreshing. 

 So, I waited until we got to the party and had 2 glasses of wine.  I was at the party from 6:00 to 9:30pm and had the 2 glasses over the first 2 hours.  Specifically, I nursed the first one for about a half hour (for many that is normal, not for me).  I switched to water and waited for my dinner to come before ordering a second.  After dinner I had a diet coke. So, no alcohol for the last hour and a half, making me quite sober and legal to drive home.  

 All and all a good day, but here it was 10pm on Saturday when I got home and I had yet to have a buzz for the weekend.   So, I took a double shot of vodka and took off to walk the dog and relax.   On Sunday, I held off until about 4pm and had 4 drinks between 4 and 8 to complete my 4 for the day and 11 for the week.

 I did notice, as I have mentioned before, that I actually did get a slight buzz off of the 2 glasses of wine I had on Saturday night, not much but something.  And, it was enjoyable.   I thought to myself, this is normal drinking, sipping wine, chatting with some new and old friends, enjoying good food, etc.  It was much more enjoyable than the shots of warm vodka I sneak at home by myself.

 So, I had something to think about on Sunday.  These cravings for the buzz that I still have are a bit of a problem.  I would love to be the person who goes to the party, has 2 glasses of wine, comes home, goes to sleep, end of story.  But, I am not and I am beginning to doubt that I will ever be.  For now, I feel good this Monday morning.  I have no hangover and I can look back at a drinking week of 0-0-0-0-3-4-4 and think that at least by the numbers, it was a normal drinking week.

Back pain through me off

The back pain thing through me off for the week.   I was in so much pain during my last post on Monday that I had 3 drinks and an Oxycodone pill that I had been saving for months for just this occasion.  Monday usually is a dry day for me, but I couldn’t deal with the pain. 

So, I should have limited myself to 12 more for the rest of the week, but didn’t.  I rationalized that the back problem was an exception and continued the rest of the week as if Monday did not happen.

So, I had the 3 Mon, then went dry Tues, Wed & Thurs.  I had 5 each on Fri, Sat & Sun for a total of 18 for the week. 

Am I starting to slip back into my old ways or was the back thing justifiable?  I am OK with it. While I am not happy about going over my limit, I was not happy with the pain either.  On a positive not, I was also in a great deal of pain Tues, Wed and Thurs, yet I stayed dry on those days. 

Also, while I have not done any drugs in many years, the fact that I kept a pain pill like Oxycodone around the house for so many months is also a big accomplishment.  A friend gave me 3 very early in the year.  I had already used 2 for similar back issues over the past few months.  There were a few times I was mildly tempted to take the pill just for the buzz, but had enough sense to hold onto it until I really needed it.  And, I am sure glad I did.   A few years back and those pills would not have lasted a week, pain or no pain.  I would surely  have taken them for the buzz.

Moderation vs Abstinence

A couple of good articles

Moderation vs Abstinence: What’s more effective?

http://www.thefix.com/content/moderation-vs-abstinence-its-war

 Wall Street Journal:  How different people are affected by alcohol

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424053111903341404576482051743844220.html